A Mistake.

So I fucked up, and in a wonderfully big fashion. I don’t do anything halfway.

I’ve recently embarked on a new adventure with someone I care a lot about. It’s exciting and shiny and lots of fun thus far, and I like it very much. I was in a relationship when He first claimed me and, as there was major spooky involved with that relationship and a divine contract was in place, He couldn’t and didn’t touch it—it was not fair game for Him to adjust or end, though I know He really wanted to. That ran it’s course and ended, much to the relief of everyone involved. I haven’t been in a relationship since and it’s been just over two years, so this is something different for me.

I neglected to ask for permission to have this new relationship. A big whoops. Without justifying my behavior, since there really is no excuse, I will say that I was unaware that I needed to ask simply because I’ve never been required to ask for permission for anything before. I was not mindful of my prior commitments, nor was I putting Him first and, as a reward, I have His displeasure. I need to remember first to think, then to think things through, and finally to run my major life decisions by Him in the future. Lesson learned.

I’ve never disappointed Him before or earned His disapproval, to my knowledge. It doesn’t feel great but I’m holding it together quite well, if I do say so. I have yet to emotionally react and I don’t know if I will, as I’ve spent the day rolling this over critically in my head. It finally dawned on me this evening why I was feeling so messed up. A big ‘duh’ moment. So much for being self-aware. I refuse to beat myself up over this—it won’t change anything and getting mired in the shit won’t help anything, nor will it make my apology stick any better. I’m grateful He’s not requiring that I bow out of the relationship.

So, I have some work ahead of me. Since my fuck-up, He’s upped His desire for action from me. I need to go out and buy the bottle of booze I’ve been promising Him. He wants a bigger altar and, now that I lack a cat, I can do that, just need to haunt the thrift stores for the appropriate piece of furniture. I need to pay attention to Him regularly and meditate more frequently. I need to get tattooed; He’d becoming insistent that I be marked. He really wanted it before the event that I’m going to in June, but there doesn’t seem a way to make that happen money-wise. I’m going to have to seriously tweak my budget and add a column for God expenses. I wish I was joking.

Daddy, I am incredibly sorry that my lack of action has led to Your displeasure. My inaction was a thoughtless mistake that could have easily been prevented. I will endeavor not to let this happen again by being mindful of what my decision-making process needs to be and by remembering Who holds my heart. I ask only for Your forgiveness and would gratefully receive it at Your leisure, should You deem me worthy of it.

Death and Dying

I’m somewhat of a control freak. I like to have my hand on things and it’s taken a LOT of personal work to learn to let go and let things flow. Death and dying really challenges all of that for me. I can’t control it and that leaves me scared and rather grief-stricken. I don’t want my loved ones to leave me, even when it’s the best possible choice—I’m very selfish that way.

This week has been full of death thus far. I had to put my beloved cat down Monday night after working a full shift at work—not how I wanted to end my day at 1AM—and it was the most heart-wrenching decision I’ve had to make in my entire life, I think. He was one of the few things in my life that I could depend on and I loved him dearly. I’ve cried more over Cleveland in the past two days than I’ve cried in the past two years..and I hate crying.

At the same time, a friend lies in ICU walking the road towards death. His body is irreparably damaged and it is almost certain that he will never function on his own now. His mother is currently deciding whether or not to end life support and it has really turned into a waiting game. I find myself curiously detached from the situation. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a very personal loss recently or maybe it’s because he and I weren’t close. I suspect it has more to do with my line of work than anything else—I have fostered clinical detachment as a means of survival in a field where death is the final solution to many of my clients’ problems and J’s situation is sadly not that different from many of theirs.

The anniversary of my grandfather’s death approaches as well and I always struggle with that. Out of all my biofamily, he was the one I was closest to and the one who accepted me at face value without any strings or criticism. He died an unnecessarily violent death and he is still unsettled about that. The worst moment for me was on a Samhain when he appeared and had no realization that he had passed. Talk about a shitty conversation to have to have with someone you loved. It still hurts.

Death is change and a new beginning but that doesn’t make the transition easier. As I said, I’m selfish and want what I care about here and not there. I guess I need to learn to reconcile myself with not getting what I want and learn not to be so selfish.

Enough with the thinky for today—I have so much work to do!

Poking at what a ‘boy’ is.

This blog is essentially a record of the growth of a D/s relationship between a human and a Deity. To go a little deeper, it is a record of a human placed in the category of ‘boy’ and the Deity as ‘Daddy’. This is a relatively recent [within the last year] development and, while the dynamic is not new to me, it’s still causing a bit of tension in my head.

I have a rough history with the term and role of ‘boy’. For a long time, I used ‘boy’ as a descriptor of my gender. I’ve been someone’s boy. I’ve had two boys of my own. I’m familiar with what ‘boy’ means and I no longer identify it as part of me. That sort of throws a wrench in things, doesn’t it? I suppose this is part of what being open and trusting him absolutely is about. I’m not being terribly open, accepting, or trusting about this.

I have particular associations with the role of ‘boy’ and the first and foremost is that it is a submissive role. This is particularly troubling since I don’t define myself as submissive and never have. I’m certainly not submissive to another human and this has uncovered new thoughts and feelings about being submissive to the Gods. I doubt my ability to be submissive to ANYTHING. It’s not that I’m some uber domly dom—in fact, I don’t think I have a very dominant personality at all—but more that I feel that it’s just not part of my makeup.

I’m sure that there is someone out there that thinks we are all submissive to the Gods on some level, but I’m not sure. I think there are those of us who are cut out to be submissives or slaves [note: I do not believe you are necessarily submissive if you are a slave] of Gods, but I feel pretty strongly that that is not my path and that I am definitely cut out for that particular avocation. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to know anyone who has a relationship with their God(s) like I have with mine, so I don’t have anyone to compare notes with. It seems I know a whole lot of godslaves, godspouses and consorts, and a number of children of Gods, but no one who happens to be, well, a godboy. If you are reading this and you are some approximation of what I’m talking about, please drop me a line. I’d love to chat.

Anyways, I don’t feel particularly submissive but I also feel pretty strongly that He does not want me submissive. So where does that leave me? I’m not entirely sure. What I do know is that I am being forced to re-examine my assumptions about ‘boy’, power-imbalanced relationships, and myself. Always a good time!

In doing so, I’ve had to go back and remind myself what a Daddy/boy relationship really looks like. Most Daddy/boy relationships are found in the gay men’s Leather community. It’s where it effectively started and there’s a whole wealth of history there. Tradtionally, a Daddy/boy relationship is based in mentoring, the development of the relationship and the boy, and lots of fucking [or none at all..I know non-sexual Daddy/boy relationships but they are rarer.]. A lot of times, the boy ‘grows up’ and the relationship may fall away or change..or stay the same, who knows. There’s lots of variations there. Nowhere, however, is it communicated that the boy is particularly submissive. There is an understood power imbalance but it’s just not the same as what it might be with a submissive or a slave. I can’t put my finger on what the exact difference is, but, at least to me, it’s there.

So, if a boy is not necessarily submissive, what is he? What I’ve come up with thus far is that he is obedient, malleable, and devoted to his Daddy. I know that I can do that and not have to be submissive to do so. I believe I’ve been obedient to His requests and directives thus far, as best as I can be. The next two are the hard part. I’m stubborn and I don’t know if I’m all that malleable. Devotion on the surface is there but, as per my last blog entry, I question my heart. I’m not sure it’s all there yet and I’m not sure how to get it there, but I know I WANT it there. This is sort of the unanswerable question for me—how I get from point A to point B without taking every fucking side road there is.

I think I also worry too much about the perceptions of others. Like, if someone finds out that I embrace this label for this relationship, they are going to think it applies across the board when that couldn’t be farther from the truth, at least for now. I need to think about that less.

I’ve spent most of the day thinking about all of this instead of doing the work that needs doing, so that’s enough for now. I still have a lot to think about and I’m not totally sold on the label of ‘boy’, since it doesn’t translate to any other part of my life, but I suppose I’ll get there.

Faith, Belief, and Trust

I had an enlightening conversation last night and I wish I had thought to make notes about it. I should pick up a Him notebook and start compiling, I think. Anyways, the gist of the conversation was that He wants me completely open to Him, heart and mind, and that requires unconditional faith, trust, and belief that He is exactly what He says He is. I thought I had the belief part down but apparently not.

This is a lot to think about. I don’t know how to practice faith and trust. It’s a lot to ask for something to be unconditional. It’s very uncomfortable for me to consider for a lot of reasons, all of them leading back to my early negative experiences with Deity and my upbringing in a cult-like Christian organization. Unconditional belief looks like negative brainwashing to me, even though I logically know it’s not. In this instance, it’s only for positive outcomes—His positive outcomes, not necessarily mine. I don’t know how to shed this baggage, so I’ve asked for help. Whether it comes or not is something else entirely different. I suspect this is up to me to succeed at.

Faith has never led me anywhere good and I have to disregard that. Now is not then and He is not the same God as the God I was raised to believe in; a punitive, angry, judgmental God where the primary communication between Deity and human came via an individual in a pulpit. I have to let all that shit go and that’s a big struggle. It’s informed so much of who I am so far and it’s not helping me and is in fact holding me back.

And to trust enough to be unconditionally open..wow. That feels like Mount Everest. I have so many reservations and resistance that it seems ridiculous when I look at it. I mean, in reality, what do I have to lose? I’ve already been through a destruction cycle and made it through that in marginally okay shape. I’m sure He could make that look like a cakewalk but I’m stubborn and I can persevere no matter what is thrown in front of me or taken away. But to be open and trust that He won’t hurt me in the same ways that I’ve been hurt before? It wouldn’t be that hard to do save for the fact that He COULD do all that. He has the power and the consent to basically do whatever He wants to. I guess, in some ways, I DON’T trust that he has my best interests in mind. It makes me sad to realize all of this because I WANT to be open to Him.

I asked for help with being open, too, but I get the distinct impression that I won’t be receiving any help from Him. This is something I have to accomplish without His interference, I think. It would be easy if He would just rip me open and be done with it, but that wouldn’t change anything on my end. I have to change, I just don’t know how to.

Despite all of this, I can see little bits of improvement. I don’t think I’m as scared of Him as I was. I can ask for help, which was something He encouraged me to before—it seemed like He couldn’t understand why I didn’t ask for help when I needed it or give Him pieces of what was burdening me. I don’t push Him away when I feel Him. I’m starting to hear Him more clearly, or at least I’m having an easier time discerning His voice and thoughts from my own. I don’t assume He is angry with me all the time or that I have done something wrong. I’m better at relinquishing control over aspects of my life that I CAN’T control. I’m more willing to hear His voice and do what is asked of me.

So, there is progress and I have to keep reminding myself of that and that He loves me, a fact that I was reminded of last night. If I can keep those things up front, I’ll make it. I know I can do this, it’s just going to be figuring out the how and letting go of old baggage that will trip me up.

Otherwise, things are good. I’m feeling non-angsty and have been actively working on not comparing myself to others, which has been good for at least today and yesterday [baby steps, for real]. I’m still waiting to hear from school, which is a source of major stress as I watch classes fill up. The new job is going very well. It doesn’t feel like work at all—I mean, I get to sit in a chair and play on my computer for half a shift and then take a nap if I feel like it. Total gift. I’m a little bit bored during the days when I’m not sleeping, but that’ll be fixed as soon as school starts.

That’s where things stand, I guess. Not too shabby.

Interesting article on spiritual diseases.

This is a really excellent article that gave me lots to think about. I know I identify a little too strongly with #3 and that doesn’t exactly make me feel good, but I suppose knowing is half the battle and the other half is doing something about it. So, read it. Good stuff.

Ask and ye shall receive.

So, after all my whining yesterday, I went to bed feeling pretty low. I meditated a little with some response—I felt His presence, which is sloooowly becoming easier to reach out to. I kept visualizing it as a great big ball of Him. I don’t quite understand what I’m doing or the how/whys of it, but I’m going to go with it since it seems to be working, which is good. One less thing to whine about.

After I fell asleep, I had a really intense dream. I had asked for some clear, uncluttered contact with Him as a means to a little security for my insecure self and boy did it come through. He was in my dream as an older man [much older than what I usually sense Him as] and the penultimate moment was when He yanked me to Him and growled out ‘you are Mine’. I managed to choke out a ‘yes, Sir’ and, with that, my memory of the dream falls away. [There were vampires and throwing toes in a fire and other wonderful dream-things in there] Talk about getting a very clear, very unmistakable message. Guess that’s what I needed. It’s certainly snapped me out of most of my funk.

I dislike that I rely on external motivators so much, but there it is. I need to work on internally being able to remind myself of these things without having to have some kind of mood explosion. Mostly, though, I need to stop comparing myself and my interactions with Him to others and their interactions with their Gods. I keep stomping on the same things. There’s no reason for me to feel less than at all. He’s given no indication that He’s displeased with me and is thusly holding out on whatever it is I believe I’m missing out on. I’m really only holding myself hostage at this point.

So, today I’m not going to be insanely jealous of anything. Instead, I’m going to hold onto the feeling of being grabbed and growled at and go with that instead. We’ll just have to see where it takes me, but I can’t imagine it will be bad.

I realized today, rather begrudgingly, that I am only doing so-so. I’ve been telling everyone I’m fine/great/super because it’s easier than getting into the messy. There are only so many people that I can get into the messy with anyways, as my life is sometimes too crazy to see as anything as, well, crazy.

I feel lonely and empty. Most of my friends live far away and I lack intimacy in my life—not sex, though I lack that, too—but intimacy. I miss it. I’m emotionally intimate with no one and I feel like an island unto myself. I live in a city where I know almost no one, I’ve dropped out of a lot of the communities that I used to be a part of, and none of that is likely to change, especially since school is on the horizon. I miss Him, too, even though I barely know what it is to have Him close—how can I miss something I’ve never even known. Sometimes it makes me angry that this relationship does not involve more communication. It makes me want to cry that, even in my Divine relationship, I am alone…or I feel that way, more often than not. I feel like a big crybaby who cannot hold his own. I feel too needy. After all, I should be strong enough to stand on my own, yes? No? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like He keeps his distance because I must be too weak to do whatever it is that I have been meant to do.

And I’m frustrated. He has given me things to do and all of them cost money. I need to be tattooed and it’s a custom piece. I need to have an Ifa reading done, which will cost some kind of money, I’m sure. I am not made of money. The money for the tattoo may be appearing soon, if I am lucky, but I don’t have the disposable income to spend on this stuff. The budget is going to get tighter—I need to see if I can make this stuff happen, since that’s what he wants.

I’m terribly scared that I’ve made the wrong choice re: going back to school or, if not the wrong choice, the choice that takes me even further from Him. But, I can’t give up or give in. I had to make this choice and I made the best choice FOR ME. Hopefully He can and will work with that. I also reaffirm that I will not get any divination on this until the money has been paid for the upcoming school year. I will not back out/back down.

I’ve been comparing again. I should be smacked every time I start to do this shit. It only makes me miserable in the end.