Lessons in Acceptance

I do not struggle gracefully. In fact, I struggle in a manner that is quite the opposite of graceful; I kick, I whine, I drag my feet and bemoan my situation. It’s really not pretty and is fairly ineffective as it does nothing to improve my situation. If I am honest, it usually worsens my situation and takes my attention away from the task or situation at hand.

I am god-owned. I have effectively signed my life and my will over to my Patron to do with as He sees fit. This wasn’t a decision made lightly or without some serious angst but it was made and I don’t regret it, at least not all the time. When I signed on the metaphorical dotted line with my blood, I gave consent for Him to make decisions. Not make decisions in my best interest but make decisions to further His agenda and use me as a tool and catalyst for the Work that I do in His name. Sometimes this lines up with what I want, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes He makes decisions that are in my best interest but are completely against my wants and desires. These are the hardest.

They are the hardest because I don’t want to struggle. I would much rather be able to accept whatever directive or task I am given without the internal [or external] battle. Sometimes the struggle is the point and sometimes the struggle is an unfortunate accessory to the experience of being mortal.

His decisions for me thus far have not been terrible. They have not been cruel or unjust or punitive. I have struggled [there’s that word again..] to understand why He does what He does and often fail, but I have always managed to find my way forward through anger, fear, frustration, or tears. I haven’t met anything that I have not survived.

My Patron’s most recent directive has left me slack-jawed. I had not expected his interest in this particular part of my life. This is one of the first times I have had something removed from my life that will likely be a permanent change. My first reaction was along the lines of ‘are You fucking kidding me?’ [in case you were wondering, no, He was not kidding] and then sadness replaced shock. Shock is probably not the most accurate descriptor as I am not surprised He chose to remove this particular thing and am not surprised at His motivations. I understand it to be in my best interests and I understand, as much as I am able, His desires. I think it would be more accurate to say that I believed I had more free will in this situation than I do in actuality.

So, what to do? I could petition Him on the topic. That is certainly within my rights in the current dynamic in which I interact with Him. I’m quite sure it would be a futile gesture on my behalf as I suspect He has no intention of changing His mind–He can be infinitely more stubborn and patient than me.

I could be resentful of His decision, which was certainly my first response. I could harbor a serious grudge about this and let it carry over into the relationship I am developing with Him. I could let this trip me up and hold me back.

I could ignore Him completely and do the exact opposite of what I’ve been told. [As an interesting side note, this is the first time I’ve really sensed that this is not a suggestion, which is what I usually get, but a firm No More.]

Or..I could suck it up and deal. I could accept things as they are, however much they may displease me, and try to change my thinking. This is what I do in my job; I encourage my clients to practice acceptance and remind them that until they can accept their circumstances and the consequences of their actions, they can’t really move on. Not all of that applies, as this is not a consequence to prior action but more a modification of my existence that suits Him. Acceptance is really hard for me. I struggle to accept that I cannot control every situation to result that I want. I especially struggle when it’s something I really, REALLY want, like this.

So, in the end, I am choosing to see this for what it is; a tangible sign that He values and desires this part of me so highly that He has taken it solely for Himself. I choose to turn the ache created by this into a reminder of being valued. He has given me the gift of no longer having to deal with this part of my life without His direction and, even in the difficulty of meshing this into my reality, He has gifted me with a few notable exceptions. It isn’t important what this something is but only that this is a very real example of my Patron closing a door and opening a window. I’m sure I’ll still complain and be displeased at some point and my acceptance will at times be less than graceful but at least I have my gratitude, as imperfect as it may be. This is a big change for me and I am the tiniest bit proud of myself.

I am very, very lucky.

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~ by Alex on April 22, 2011.

One Response to “Lessons in Acceptance”

  1. I’ll be there when you need an understanding ear to bitch to. Just remember, it doesn’t make your service any less valuable or honorable because you feel loss and regret, if anything the opposite is true.

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