Commitment and Tough Times

Right now, my hands have two cuts on them. One is almost healed and sits about on top of another scar born from a prior slice. The other is new and still fresh. It was cut deeply and, over a week after it was cut, it still aches. The scar came as a result of an oath freely made to my Patron several years ago.

Right now, while the new cut still aches, I am in the midst of personal turmoil. I’ve recently moved into an unlivable environment by my own blunder; it didn’t look unlivable when I first saw it. As a person who is very home oriented, this has been exceptionally difficult. I struggle with wanting to be in the apartment [I don’t] and I wake up and go to bed feeling depressed about my situation. I can’t have my cat with me because it’s an unsafe environment for an animal and I miss him terribly. Combined with a not-small pile of other things falling apart in a variety of ways, this has become an especially painful stressor.

I’ve found myself really angry over the timing of all of this. I make an oath and suddenly it’s open season on my life? Really? I’m having to work really hard not to grow a resentment against my Patron that I cannot manage. I could get really mad and I could make some [more] poor decisions. Boy, could I. I don’t know that His hand is on any of this, though, and so what if it is? I can only be so angry, after all.

Instead, I sit and look at this cut and am reminded of the blood I have given freely. There has been no force or coercion but only a simple offering of a choice. I am theoretically given the option to say no but I haven’t. I’ve said yes and often said it enthusiastically. These commitments have seen me through a lot of shit so far and it seems like I need to keep slogging forward at whatever cost.

Faith is not my strong point. When faced with the dark, it’s hard for me to believe it will ever be light again. Yet, making a commitment to a God is an act of faith, even if I can’t fully understand why. If I can find some kind of faith and aim it at my Patron, I can certainly dig deep and find a seed of faith in myself, right? I hope so.

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~ by Alex on July 3, 2011.

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