I haven’t posted in awhile because I’ve really had nothing to say. My life feels like a vast emptiness and it’s depressing. I’m living an existence that I haven’t wanted and that I thought I was moving away from. Right now, it feels like exactly what I have been desperately trying to avoid; a completely empty and lifeless existence. I can’t see a way out right now and that frustrates me.

One of the last readings I had said I needed to have faith and hope that things would not be like this forever. I have little faith and hope right now. I don’t know why I’m in this seemingly endless cycle of monotonous nothing. I’m fighting the urge to lay down and give up, mostly because I’m fucking stubborn as shit and refuse to let my life get the best of me. I am not meant for this and I refuse to accept that this is what is meant for me.

And yet, I am terribly lonely. I feel forgotten and mislaid. I blame myself to no good end for possible missteps or missed opportunities. But, with this in mind, I’ve done the best I can with what I am [or am not] given. In the light of no discernible communication with my God, I’ve gone with my gut. I didn’t move to another state because it felt fucking WRONG. I haven’t taken a job that requires relocation because, while the opportunities have been there, none of them have felt like the right choice. I can’t run to a diviner every time I have a question about what I should/should not do. I don’t need to waste their time on my personal issues or ask them to repeatedly address the same questions that keep coming up.

There are other problems beyond the radio silence, too. If I was looking at me with my professional hat on, I’d say that I have an eroded social support system. Most of my friends are not local and I have very few of those as it is. Since my break-up with my most recent ex, my social life locally has dwindled to almost nothing. I have a hard time making friends and it’s that much harder in a city that I moved to with a specific person in mind. In that vein, I know times are tough when I find myself thinking how much easier my life was when I was with him, which is the absolute opposite of the truth and a poor reflection of reality. I’m very isolated and I spend a lot of time with myself [and my cat, but he doesn’t talk back, try as he might ;)].

Through all of this shit, I am more stable than I have been in years. I have a job that pays the bills. I have an apartment that meets my basic needs. I have a cat who loves me. The psych meds appear to be working well. The basics are there and I feel selfish asking for more, even though all my needs are not being met These things are blessings and I see that, but it still sucks.

I don’t know. I feel disjointed and out of sorts. I was told before that He’s waiting until I am stronger and that makes me want to punch Him in His non-corporeal face, honestly. How strong do I need to be? How much more shit do I need to go through before I am deemed ready? He has said He doesn’t want me to die or my spark to go out and I want to ask Him what He believes is going on if not that. I am strong. I am capable of lots of things—not every thing, but I try to learn. That has to be worth something, somehow. I’m not a waste or an unusable pile of goo.

I just don’t know anymore.


~ by Alex on December 14, 2011.

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