I Must Not Fear..

He tore a piece of my heart out and filled it with something from Himself before I knew what was happening. I didn’t and still don’t completely understand why or the total implications of such. It was a powerful, indescribable moment that I thought would surely not happen. At the time, I felt unwanted and untouchable.

To my own shock, I had forgotten about that moment until the memory was triggered by reading a friend’s recounting of something similar. I’m embarrassed that I let it slide so far out of my consciousness. It seems to me that a mark of an irrevocable claim should be held in a little higher esteem than that. [As I write this, a song titled ‘Forever’ just popped up on my iTunes shuffle. Fitting.]

I’ve been really stuck lately in a seriously deep rut that I can’t seem to crawl out of. Things seemed to be moving ahead for quite awhile and then stopped abruptly. It’s made me question over and over whether or not I made a mistake somehow or did something wrong that would lead Him to drop the puppet strings. I’ve been told this is untrue, but I can’t shut that part of my brain off. I realized [once again..this is nothing new] today after reading my friend’s writing that my fear has frozen me. Again.

I’ve said it once before, but I am scared of Him and what He can do. I have lots of reasons to be afraid; I have a shitty track record with things going well with Deities, I’m scared of losing my hard-won relative sanity, and I struggle to trust Him, which goes back to my shitty track record. My fear is keeping me from moving forward into whatever it is that I am meant for. Logically, this is hard for me to come to terms with. I’ve had my life torn apart once and managed to walk through that without a lot of fear. I can’t decide if I wasn’t scared because I was too arrogant or too stupid or a mixture of both. Irregardless, I survived losing my income, losing my home, losing some of my sanity, losing my social circle and chosen-at-that-time family, and gaining an abusive relationship.

So what the fuck, really? I mean, I did all that and yet here I sit, figuratively looking at my Boss and cowering like a little kid. I’m not a little kid and I can’t afford to waste the time behaving like one. My fear is killing me slowly and I can’t afford to die like this, nor do I want to. He deserves better and, perhaps more importantly, I deserve better.

What do I do? I’m not really sure. I know I carry a lot of fear about a lot of different things, but this particular area is really holding me back. I know that fear makes me resistant and that, at times, it seems easier to hide than stand forward and fight it. I’m excellent at hiding and am often too stubborn to admit that I’m scared of what could happen to me. I know what I need to do; I need to step forward and do the things that I’ve been hiding from because I find them scary. I can’t afford excuses. I’m gambling with pretty big chips and I have to get it right—there’s really no other option. I’ll fail, I’m sure, but I can’t stay frozen.

Onwards and upwards.

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~ by Alex on December 26, 2011.

One Response to “I Must Not Fear..”

  1. I know you already know this, but I felt the need to say it again; I am at your disposal if you need someone to talk to or someone to bounce ideas off of. I care a great deal about you and I know your Boss likes me, so, uh, yeah. If you don’t have my number, or my email address, hit me up on That Website and i’ll send it to you. Love!

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