Being Strong

Today, I am reminded I am strong. Imperfect, but strong. My strength is not perfect either, but it’s practiced and is starting to show signs of excellent muscle development. It’s taken a lot to be strong, though, and it’s had it’s price. I had to almost fail my apprenticeship to learn that failure isn’t the sign of weakness that I had previously thought, but instead is an inevitable occurrence that I am strong enough to walk through with my head held high. I can do what it takes to keep walking despite my circumstances…and there have been some really ‘great’ circumstances in the last 5+ years. This path is nothing if not challenging.

Sometimes I feel weak, though, and that’s when I am at my most vulnerable. That is when I have the greatest chance of allowing the crazy to take over and dictate my self-image. When I do that, I am ugly, unapproachable, and I can’t stand reason and logic. I am still strong, but I forget that I am so. There has been a lot of work in the last two years to cage that voice and teach it that it’s world view is skewed. So far, I’ve managed and I’m pretty proud of that, as I had to come back from a personal abyss to stand where I stand.

I am reminded of the message delivered to me via a spiritworker not that long ago. I was told that He was waiting to move forward because He was concerned that I was not strong enough to bear that changes and associated pain that He would inflict to shape me into what I am some day to be. I was angry and hurt when I was told this and felt utterly frustrated. How can I be strong enough if I am untested? It was backwards thinking at the time and I ultimately have to have enough faith in Him to trust that His fear of shattering me is/was justified. It was a slow, pothole filled road to acceptance, but I’ve come to a place of real peace over that particular message. The ego wanted to say ‘Whatever, just bring it’, but that’s not a logical voice. He’s not going to sit up and go ‘well, okay’ and whammy the hell out of me because I challenge Him. He’s protecting His investment.

I believe this kind of strength and faith comes from working actively on not being scared of Him. It’s easy for me to give into fear, block my ears, and ignore what is plainly put in front of me, but how can I be strong when I’m too scared to approach Him. I won’t do that anymore—I simply can’t. I’ve talked before about being scared of Him and I’ve worked really hard to be strong enough to not fear Him and all His possibilities. I believe fear is the polar opposite of strength and as long as I keep my strength up front, I don’t have to fear Him.

Do I feel strong enough to handle what may be coming for me? Yes. Am I strong enough to do so? I believe so, but my belief does not dictate His action. I believe I have the tools that it takes to hold myself together through the storm and to be calm and capable in the face of adversity. I’ve learned how to ask for help and how to trust my gut. From where I was five years ago, this is big news and I’m happy about it.

Tonight’s act of strength will be to actively put up His altar, which has been sitting packed away out of fear. No more fear.

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~ by Alex on January 17, 2012.

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