Willing to be Open

Willing to be Open

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I am not open to a lot of His presence and that I assign a lot of spooky things to my personal manifestations of my crazy. It made me stop and think and consider a lot of what I do. After some consideration and a lot of reasoning with myself, I realized that this made a lot of sense. I push things away that aren’t comfy. I’m sure this is not a trait unique to me—it’s hard to embrace change, especially on a spooky level. At least, it is for me. I’m kind of skittish with things that deal with Deity and Their ability to improve or wreck my life due to some very negative experiences in the past. I don’t trust easily.

With all this in mind, I’ve spent the last couple of days actively NOT pushing things away that feel uncomfortable and instead have been sitting with them and examining what they are and why I react the way I do to them. I’m not willing to assign every little thing that’s come up to Him or something else spooky, but it’s been enlightening. I feel His presence more, which has been very comforting for me as that’s been lacking for the past six months or so. I suspect that this particular absence has more to do with my lack of receptiveness versus any absence on His part. I don’t think by any stretch that I’ve got this nailed down or totally solved, but it feels like a step in the right direction. Baby steps, right?

I understand that He won’t be there all the time because He has other things to do that don’t include paying attention to me and my life. I am rapidly coming to understand, though, that He IS there and He DOES care and that things move slowly for a reason. I am coming to believe that He really does have my best interests in mind versus simply torturing me for the pleasure of seeing me squirm [though I’m positive there is a good bit of that sandwiched in here..]. I don’t struggle needlessly—there are lessons to be learned and sometimes there is only one way to learn it.

I’m happier and more at peace right now than I have been in awhile. I’m smiling more and I feel genuinely happy. It’s still a struggle of course, but it’s good to be reminded of the above—that there is a reason, even if it’s a painful one. I guess you could say things are looking up.

In other news, I did set up the altar the other day. I don’t know if I did it ‘right’ or what I’m supposed to be doing with it. I don’t feel a great big connection to it. I think this speaks to my lack of experience with these kinds of things. I’ve never had a real altar before and I understand that it’s creating space for a particular Deity, but other than that, I’m totally lost. I suppose I’ll figure it out one way or another. I made a commitment to light His candle every night and to take a few minutes to sit in front of it, no matter what. I’ve been pretty sick lately, so that’s already been a challenge—I think I made it about three minutes before calling it quits and crawling into bed with my tissues and cold meds.

Someone who also does this kind of thing said something somewhere that I cannot recall [and I am paraphrasing] that this is called Work for a reason—you have to put in the Work to have the opportunity to keep moving forward. There is no golden platter for me—I must put in the effort to get what I want and to be able to handle it. And it pervades my life—there is nothing that does not fall under the umbrella, from making sure I take my daily medications to refining my professional counseling skills to getting back on the teaching circuit and communicating what I know. It all is part of the Work, whether I like it or not. I know I’ve resented the fuck out of it in recent history but I’m coming around slowly. It’s good to have meaning and purpose even when it doesn’t suit my personal desires.

Anyways, I’m feeling pretty good lately and my fingers are crossed that it continues. I feel like this is mostly under my control, so we’ll see.

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~ by Alex on January 25, 2012.

One Response to “Willing to be Open”

  1. FWIW, altars aren’t always the best place to connect with a deity. Now, over time as you actively spend time at your altar, and really *use* it, you may find that connection, but don’t be discouraged if you don’t. Even though I have a ton of shrines in my house, I only spend significant amounts of time in front of a couple. The others are there for when I need a place in my house to do everyday ritual for the god in question, and to just make room in my life for Them in a meaningful way. But with many of Them, I make much better connections outdoors, in forests and parks and even on the streets of this city (esp. for Hermes, for instance). I go to places that are naturally sacred to Them. I even build shrines outside, especially for the nymphs.

    On another note, being willing to accept the possibility that They’re actually there, and communicating, and it’s not all one’s own brain misfiring (even if one’s brain misfires on a regular basis), is a big step forward, and a scary one. While I agree that They are not always just hanging around waiting for us to notice Them, OTOH often They *are* there and we’re just not aware. Opening up is critical, and one of those things that is seemingly simple but endlessly difficult.

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