Re-examining Fear and Change

As I’ve written to death, fear is something I struggle with a lot. It eats my brain and tells me things that aren’t true or aren’t logical. Fear paralyzes me and disallows forward movement. All in all, fear has the power to dismantle my life and leave me in a gelatinous limbo.

Except when it doesn’t.

I’m facing a lot of really big, sudden changes right now and I’m not scared. I expected to be and prepared for it, but I’m really feeling pretty cool, calm, and collected. Perhaps I’ve had enough practice dealing with high-stress situations. Perhaps I can weather the storm now without falling to pieces. I credit my apprenticeship with giving me a lot of these skills—being able to think on my feet, making a back-up plan to my back-up plan, not getting caught in the details while missing the big picture, and being able to let go of the outcome and just do the work.

All that said, my big change is going back to school. I’m currently preparing to return to college full-time this fall to complete my bachelor’s degree. This is huge for me, as I’ve literally been talking about this for years, as most of my friends will attest. A large financial barrier had previously stood in my way and, as of today, it was removed thanks to a gift from my bio-family. I’m currently buried in paperwork—applications, transcript requests, and the beginnings of loan paperwork.

This will also necessitate a job change. I currently work straight day time hours and will not be able to do so while going to school three to four days a week. I will be moving to all overnight shifts so that I can attend class during the day and study at night. I’m excited about this move, as it allows the introvert that I am to deal with fewer people on a daily basis. Tomorrow, I go speak to my boss at one of the sites I occasionally work at about a position she has open for just what I’m looking for and I’m excited at the prospect. It’s no secret that I’ve not been the happiest I could be at my current position—the work is draining and the environment is more chaotic than I can take. This particular change won’t be stressful in the least.

I actually lied above—there is a part of this that I’m scared about. I have asked for no divination on this particular adventure on purpose. Normally I would, but I’ve felt strongly that I should not for a few reasons. One, it’s too easy for me to rely on the information presented to me through divination rather than working to make my own decisions. Second, if He has any feelings on the matter, I think I already know them—namely, as communicated to me by a friend, I just need to make a fucking decision already..and I have. I haven’t consulted Him on this decision because I don’t feel that it’s His decision to make. This effects me in a very direct way—with a degree, I can have more financial security and freedom than I have had before and this will allow me to be the best, most useful tool that I can be, for His direct benefit.

What I’m scared of is that He will leave me while I’m in school or that forward progress will come to a grinding halt. I’m not sure this is a logical fear, but there it is. I’m trying to logic my way through this, but it’s not working very well. I’m essentially floundering in the dark because of this, but it’s of my own making—I haven’t asked Him directly what His plan is [if He’ll tell me] nor have I asked for any divination specifically about this issue. So, I’m painting myself into a corner without a real reason to yet. This is something that I’m exceedingly good at.

But, another chance to make it happen. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to hold the reins of my own destiny a little bit. It’s nice to be causing the change rather than waiting for the change to come by and grab me.


~ by Alex on April 3, 2012.

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