Where things are at, worries, and comparing.

I am pinning a lot on school right now and it’s troubling, in some ways. My psych team is worried that the shift in my schedule [working nights and sleeping after class] is going to do Bad Things for my moods and mental status. I’m worried about money since I won’t be able to work much overtime at all. I’m concerned that I’ll have no time for myself where I am not completely exhausted. I’m worried that I’m going to lose all my friends who I barely see now. I’m worried that my cat is going to die on me [he’s been sick off and on for about three months] and that it will destroy me. I’m worried that I’m going to be left alone and that He will see fit to leave me be until this school thing is over. I’m worried about losing what I’ve worked so hard to gain.

That’s a lot of worry and there’s not a lot I can do about it right now. I can remind myself that none of those worries have come to fruition yet but that’s easier said than done. So, I pray a lot. I find, as I get more stress piled onto my head, that my prayers get more and more specific. Please help me find the money to afford this. Please help me navigate this bullshit to the right end. Please help me stay sane. I’m asking for a lot of help and I don’t feel bad about it, either, where I normally would. I normally ask for things very sparingly but I’m out with both guns blazing right now. It’s take-no-prisoners prayer time.

And it’s working. The obstacles are slowly being removed in such a way that I am learning from each of them. I found out how burned out I was on my soon-to-be-former day job only when the opportunity for a new position became available. I asked for a way for a particular financial burden to be lifted and it was. Hell, even bureaucracy is being resolved in my favor. Things are falling into place for me in ways that I can’t remember ever having happened before. I have to fight for it, but there it is.

I have to remind myself actively to not compare myself to others, which is hard for me to do. I’m really good at measuring myself against other people and that’s not always a good thing. Lots of my friends and other people I know have much more contact with their Gods than I do with mine. Lots of them do a lot of really advanced Work which I am not currently capable of..or may not ever be capable of. It’s really easy for me to look at all that and realize that I am ‘just’ going to school. It’s not really a ‘just’ for me, though. It’s really important. REALLY important and, though it does not come before my God, it’s right the fuck up there vying for first place. I am putting school above just about everything else right now and I’m giving up a lot professionally and personally to make it happen.

I’m scared to death. All of my worries could possibly come true and there’s nothing I can do about it. I could fail, again. I could be left by my God for making the wrong decision [I still haven’t asked anyone whether I’m doing the right or wrong thing and I don’t intend to. I’m also not asking for any divination on anything until I am enrolled somewhere.]. The list of coulds and mights is so long right now and it feels heavy to carry. I don’t know how to put the worry down. I could probably stand to meditate more.

So, for now I wait. Hopefully my application will be complete and in the mail by the end of the week. Then, more waiting. I’m grateful I’ve slowly started to learn patience or things might get the best of me.


~ by Alex on April 17, 2012.

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