Peaceful, little by little, and comparing.

So the deed is done and the application for school is in the mail. It’s completely out of my hands now and instead of being all jacked up about it, I’m [mostly] calm. I believe in my heart that I’ve made the right decision for right now and I am becoming more secure in that day by day. I feel stronger for it. It hasn’t hurt that I’ve been able to feel His presence more and more. I’m so grateful I could cry since I don’t get a lot of ‘hands on’ time. Simply knowing He’s there is enough sometimes.

It’s nice to feel peaceful, even though I know it won’t last. I’m worried about balancing school, work, and sleep and it’s a legitimate worry. I need eight hours and it doesn’t look like I’m going to have a big chance of getting that between class time and work time and possible work study time. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

There’s also excitement. I start my new job tomorrow and I’m thrilled to be out of my old job and into something that will serve me [and possibly Him] that much better. It will feel good to be able to breath easy for a bit, as this particular job is the easiest money I’ve ever made. I’m so blessed and lucky that the opportunity came along. That’s how things have been happening lately—little pieces falling into place at the right time. I know I’ve been working hard to make this all happen, but I also know this is not all me, and I’m grateful. It makes me feel like I don’t do enough for Him but I also don’t know what to do.

Things keep happening little by little. I feel like I’m amping up so. Slowly. And I guess that’s okay, even if I feel like I’m being handled with kid gloves. I’ve been told why He’s doing this and I get that but it sure doesn’t always make me happy. It feels like peeling a band-aid off—just hurry up and be done with it already. But, all things will happen in his time and not mine, though I have to make myself as ready and as useful as possible. It’s an unending cycle of getting ready for the next big thing.

I also realized that one of my big triggers about feeling bad about myself and my current path and relationship to Him is comparing myself to others. Duh. I’m friends with a lot of spirit workers of various stripes. In fact, almost all of my friends are spirit workers, which means I have a lot of exposure to people who serve their Gods in a variety of ways and most of them are very talented and knowledgeable, and have been doing it longer than I have. I forget that I don’t have to be that talented and knowledgeable right now and that it’s okay that what I’m doing looks nothing like their lives.

When I compare, I also get jealous of others and that reflects my insecurity with myself and my place with Him. I don’t see things happening for me that happen for other people. Especially with regards to other interactions people who vaguely have the type of relationship with their God that I have with Him. Like, I get insanely jealous of people who can have conversations with their God. I don’t know how to do that or am not ready to do that, but I wish I could. I wish He manifested for me like other people’s Gods do for them. But He doesn’t and He might not ever and I have to be accepting of that. I have been reminding myself that things might not always go the way He wants them to [our early relationship was categorized as ‘well, I didn’t mean for that to happen that way, but we’ll go with it’] but ultimately the decision is His and I cannot force His hand no matter how much I may want to. I’m amazed at the patience I’ve developed, as this might have driven me mad a couple years ago.

So, overall, things are pretty good right now. I kind of feel guilty that I can say things are going well, as so many of my friends are suffering right now. But, I’ve earned the good by slogging through the shit of the past couple years. Here’s hoping it lasts.

This really is three different blog posts wrapped into one and I’ve got one more cooking on transactional relationships with Gods, so I’ll stop now.

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~ by Alex on April 25, 2012.

2 Responses to “Peaceful, little by little, and comparing.”

  1. I totally get you regarding not being able to interact with your god like others can. But what I’ve come to learn is that we each seem to have our own particular talents when it comes to connecting with our respective deities–I may not be able to ‘hear’ my god, or have conversations with him like other people I know, but I can connect with him emotionally, and in some ways that is better suited to our relationship. There’s a reason you are devoted to your god; there’s a reason you chose to follow Him and only Him, and judging by how in tune you seem to be with his sentiments, I’d wager that you have your own special methods of communication. It might not seem ‘special’ to you because it’s not as flashy, and its all you’ve ever really known, but it doesn’t make it any less important. I know how frustrating it can be to hear about others’ spiritual relationships and not be able to help comparing your own to theirs. Just my two cents ;]

  2. Thanks for you comments–that makes a lot of sense. My catch is that I want to hear/feel/communicate in ALL the ways. I’m really greedy like that and I logically know why that doesn’t happen [it doesn’t need to, nor do the fuses in my head need to be blown out that way], but that doesn’t mean I stop wanting. But, you’re right–I hear Him how I need to hear Him and connect with Him how I know how to and we go from there.

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