I realized today, rather begrudgingly, that I am only doing so-so. I’ve been telling everyone I’m fine/great/super because it’s easier than getting into the messy. There are only so many people that I can get into the messy with anyways, as my life is sometimes too crazy to see as anything as, well, crazy.

I feel lonely and empty. Most of my friends live far away and I lack intimacy in my life—not sex, though I lack that, too—but intimacy. I miss it. I’m emotionally intimate with no one and I feel like an island unto myself. I live in a city where I know almost no one, I’ve dropped out of a lot of the communities that I used to be a part of, and none of that is likely to change, especially since school is on the horizon. I miss Him, too, even though I barely know what it is to have Him close—how can I miss something I’ve never even known. Sometimes it makes me angry that this relationship does not involve more communication. It makes me want to cry that, even in my Divine relationship, I am alone…or I feel that way, more often than not. I feel like a big crybaby who cannot hold his own. I feel too needy. After all, I should be strong enough to stand on my own, yes? No? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like He keeps his distance because I must be too weak to do whatever it is that I have been meant to do.

And I’m frustrated. He has given me things to do and all of them cost money. I need to be tattooed and it’s a custom piece. I need to have an Ifa reading done, which will cost some kind of money, I’m sure. I am not made of money. The money for the tattoo may be appearing soon, if I am lucky, but I don’t have the disposable income to spend on this stuff. The budget is going to get tighter—I need to see if I can make this stuff happen, since that’s what he wants.

I’m terribly scared that I’ve made the wrong choice re: going back to school or, if not the wrong choice, the choice that takes me even further from Him. But, I can’t give up or give in. I had to make this choice and I made the best choice FOR ME. Hopefully He can and will work with that. I also reaffirm that I will not get any divination on this until the money has been paid for the upcoming school year. I will not back out/back down.

I’ve been comparing again. I should be smacked every time I start to do this shit. It only makes me miserable in the end.

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~ by Alex on May 8, 2012.

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