Ask and ye shall receive.

So, after all my whining yesterday, I went to bed feeling pretty low. I meditated a little with some response—I felt His presence, which is sloooowly becoming easier to reach out to. I kept visualizing it as a great big ball of Him. I don’t quite understand what I’m doing or the how/whys of it, but I’m going to go with it since it seems to be working, which is good. One less thing to whine about.

After I fell asleep, I had a really intense dream. I had asked for some clear, uncluttered contact with Him as a means to a little security for my insecure self and boy did it come through. He was in my dream as an older man [much older than what I usually sense Him as] and the penultimate moment was when He yanked me to Him and growled out ‘you are Mine’. I managed to choke out a ‘yes, Sir’ and, with that, my memory of the dream falls away. [There were vampires and throwing toes in a fire and other wonderful dream-things in there] Talk about getting a very clear, very unmistakable message. Guess that’s what I needed. It’s certainly snapped me out of most of my funk.

I dislike that I rely on external motivators so much, but there it is. I need to work on internally being able to remind myself of these things without having to have some kind of mood explosion. Mostly, though, I need to stop comparing myself and my interactions with Him to others and their interactions with their Gods. I keep stomping on the same things. There’s no reason for me to feel less than at all. He’s given no indication that He’s displeased with me and is thusly holding out on whatever it is I believe I’m missing out on. I’m really only holding myself hostage at this point.

So, today I’m not going to be insanely jealous of anything. Instead, I’m going to hold onto the feeling of being grabbed and growled at and go with that instead. We’ll just have to see where it takes me, but I can’t imagine it will be bad.

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~ by Alex on May 8, 2012.

One Response to “Ask and ye shall receive.”

  1. “I’m going to hold onto the feeling of being grabbed and growled at and go with that instead.”

    Sounds like a LOVELY idea to me. And hot. 🙂

    And you’re right… there is NO need to compare your relationship with Him to others’ relationships with their Deities. Yours is unique to you and Him, neither better nor lesser than anyone else’s. *hugs*

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