Poking at what a ‘boy’ is.

This blog is essentially a record of the growth of a D/s relationship between a human and a Deity. To go a little deeper, it is a record of a human placed in the category of ‘boy’ and the Deity as ‘Daddy’. This is a relatively recent [within the last year] development and, while the dynamic is not new to me, it’s still causing a bit of tension in my head.

I have a rough history with the term and role of ‘boy’. For a long time, I used ‘boy’ as a descriptor of my gender. I’ve been someone’s boy. I’ve had two boys of my own. I’m familiar with what ‘boy’ means and I no longer identify it as part of me. That sort of throws a wrench in things, doesn’t it? I suppose this is part of what being open and trusting him absolutely is about. I’m not being terribly open, accepting, or trusting about this.

I have particular associations with the role of ‘boy’ and the first and foremost is that it is a submissive role. This is particularly troubling since I don’t define myself as submissive and never have. I’m certainly not submissive to another human and this has uncovered new thoughts and feelings about being submissive to the Gods. I doubt my ability to be submissive to ANYTHING. It’s not that I’m some uber domly dom—in fact, I don’t think I have a very dominant personality at all—but more that I feel that it’s just not part of my makeup.

I’m sure that there is someone out there that thinks we are all submissive to the Gods on some level, but I’m not sure. I think there are those of us who are cut out to be submissives or slaves [note: I do not believe you are necessarily submissive if you are a slave] of Gods, but I feel pretty strongly that that is not my path and that I am definitely cut out for that particular avocation. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to know anyone who has a relationship with their God(s) like I have with mine, so I don’t have anyone to compare notes with. It seems I know a whole lot of godslaves, godspouses and consorts, and a number of children of Gods, but no one who happens to be, well, a godboy. If you are reading this and you are some approximation of what I’m talking about, please drop me a line. I’d love to chat.

Anyways, I don’t feel particularly submissive but I also feel pretty strongly that He does not want me submissive. So where does that leave me? I’m not entirely sure. What I do know is that I am being forced to re-examine my assumptions about ‘boy’, power-imbalanced relationships, and myself. Always a good time!

In doing so, I’ve had to go back and remind myself what a Daddy/boy relationship really looks like. Most Daddy/boy relationships are found in the gay men’s Leather community. It’s where it effectively started and there’s a whole wealth of history there. Tradtionally, a Daddy/boy relationship is based in mentoring, the development of the relationship and the boy, and lots of fucking [or none at all..I know non-sexual Daddy/boy relationships but they are rarer.]. A lot of times, the boy ‘grows up’ and the relationship may fall away or change..or stay the same, who knows. There’s lots of variations there. Nowhere, however, is it communicated that the boy is particularly submissive. There is an understood power imbalance but it’s just not the same as what it might be with a submissive or a slave. I can’t put my finger on what the exact difference is, but, at least to me, it’s there.

So, if a boy is not necessarily submissive, what is he? What I’ve come up with thus far is that he is obedient, malleable, and devoted to his Daddy. I know that I can do that and not have to be submissive to do so. I believe I’ve been obedient to His requests and directives thus far, as best as I can be. The next two are the hard part. I’m stubborn and I don’t know if I’m all that malleable. Devotion on the surface is there but, as per my last blog entry, I question my heart. I’m not sure it’s all there yet and I’m not sure how to get it there, but I know I WANT it there. This is sort of the unanswerable question for me—how I get from point A to point B without taking every fucking side road there is.

I think I also worry too much about the perceptions of others. Like, if someone finds out that I embrace this label for this relationship, they are going to think it applies across the board when that couldn’t be farther from the truth, at least for now. I need to think about that less.

I’ve spent most of the day thinking about all of this instead of doing the work that needs doing, so that’s enough for now. I still have a lot to think about and I’m not totally sold on the label of ‘boy’, since it doesn’t translate to any other part of my life, but I suppose I’ll get there.

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~ by Alex on May 15, 2012.

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