A Mistake.

So I fucked up, and in a wonderfully big fashion. I don’t do anything halfway.

I’ve recently embarked on a new adventure with someone I care a lot about. It’s exciting and shiny and lots of fun thus far, and I like it very much. I was in a relationship when He first claimed me and, as there was major spooky involved with that relationship and a divine contract was in place, He couldn’t and didn’t touch it—it was not fair game for Him to adjust or end, though I know He really wanted to. That ran it’s course and ended, much to the relief of everyone involved. I haven’t been in a relationship since and it’s been just over two years, so this is something different for me.

I neglected to ask for permission to have this new relationship. A big whoops. Without justifying my behavior, since there really is no excuse, I will say that I was unaware that I needed to ask simply because I’ve never been required to ask for permission for anything before. I was not mindful of my prior commitments, nor was I putting Him first and, as a reward, I have His displeasure. I need to remember first to think, then to think things through, and finally to run my major life decisions by Him in the future. Lesson learned.

I’ve never disappointed Him before or earned His disapproval, to my knowledge. It doesn’t feel great but I’m holding it together quite well, if I do say so. I have yet to emotionally react and I don’t know if I will, as I’ve spent the day rolling this over critically in my head. It finally dawned on me this evening why I was feeling so messed up. A big ‘duh’ moment. So much for being self-aware. I refuse to beat myself up over this—it won’t change anything and getting mired in the shit won’t help anything, nor will it make my apology stick any better. I’m grateful He’s not requiring that I bow out of the relationship.

So, I have some work ahead of me. Since my fuck-up, He’s upped His desire for action from me. I need to go out and buy the bottle of booze I’ve been promising Him. He wants a bigger altar and, now that I lack a cat, I can do that, just need to haunt the thrift stores for the appropriate piece of furniture. I need to pay attention to Him regularly and meditate more frequently. I need to get tattooed; He’d becoming insistent that I be marked. He really wanted it before the event that I’m going to in June, but there doesn’t seem a way to make that happen money-wise. I’m going to have to seriously tweak my budget and add a column for God expenses. I wish I was joking.

Daddy, I am incredibly sorry that my lack of action has led to Your displeasure. My inaction was a thoughtless mistake that could have easily been prevented. I will endeavor not to let this happen again by being mindful of what my decision-making process needs to be and by remembering Who holds my heart. I ask only for Your forgiveness and would gratefully receive it at Your leisure, should You deem me worthy of it.

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~ by Alex on June 2, 2012.

3 Responses to “A Mistake.”

  1. One of the greatest gifts He gave me was the promise that He has no plans to part me from Kit. If Kit and I screw it up, that’s something entirely different, but He has no intention of instigating or requiring us to end our relationship. I can’t tell you my relief when He made that promise.

    And by the way… I have a savings account for Work-related expenses. I bet two shakes we’re not the only ones, either.

    • He hasn’t promised me anything like that, probably because I have a poor history with relationships and He’s waiting to see how I do. We’ll see on that I suppose.

      That’s a great idea. I may have to do that.

  2. […] is marked by a mistake I made, which he wrote about in the entry linked above and which I have written about before. I neglected to ask permission to enter a relationship with another human and got in some hot water […]

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