Moving forward.

Things are chugging along.

I am no longer in trouble, but I seem to be on probation. I get the distinct feeling that I am being watched closely and that I am being judged based on my actions. Not a terribly comfortable feeling, but all I can do is move forward and work towards the best possible ends.

There’s a lot of pressure coming down from Mr. Mister lately and it’s feeling especially heavy tonight. In a past incarnation, I would have been an emotional mess over this and I’m just..not. I’m largely a lot more circumspect with my emotions these days than I have been in the past and this is to my benefit, I think. It’s hard to find an emotion that describes how I’m feeling about this renewed pressure and presence except maybe tired. It feels awfully heavy and it’s just tiring. I’m not sure how to put it down, if I even can, or if I should.

I think, besides tired, I’m also feeling irritated. He’s pushing for a renewed and finer focus. I know why. I know I’m dancing on a wire with the new boyfriend. I know I am risking a lot. I <b>know</b> this. It’s been made perfectly clear, on multiple fronts. It’s getting under my skin in ways I don’t really understand. This is one of the first times I can remember being actively irritated at Him and He is being a stone wall. I know what I need to do and I’m set up to do it, He’s just waiting. I get the divine ‘so what are you waiting for’, complete with eyebrow. I’m not known for making quick decisions or moving quickly, but that seems to be what is being asked of me.

I feel bad about being irritated but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have an outlet to express it appropriately right now, either. I could rant and rave at Him, but what good would it do? I’d also risk getting myself in trouble for being rude as well. I’m feeling a bit unwieldy lately.

It’s not about balance. That has recently been made pretty clear, too. Balance would imply that Boyfriend and He are equals in this situation, and they are not. He likes Boyfriend, but He has made it crystal clear who remains the top priority. If anything, the scales are tipped in His favor. I never could have thought up this type of poly arrangement when I started out, for sure.

The list of things I’m not allowed to do or are off limits continues to grow. I’m not allowed to get married except for transactional reasons. I’m not allowed to swear any oaths without His say so. The scruff of my neck is off limits. As soon as I get tattooed, part of my ass will be as well. I’m expecting more, not less, as time goes on.

Tomorrow, I’m off to a week with Boyfriend at a kinky event and I’m pretty excited about having a week of debauchery. It will be nice to have a vacation from work and very, very nice to spend time with Boyfriend. Even so, I have my responsibilities. I’ve promised to meditate on/with/for Him daily and libate Him daily as well. I’m a bit nervous about doing all of this in the environment, but it will either work out or it won’t. I prefer not to fail and break my promise, so I’ll be meditating and libating daily. I also know myself and know that my motivation for such things is not always in the right place, so it’s even more important that I live up to my commitments this week.

 And yet, with all the frustration, my love and admiration and want for Him doesn’t decrease. It might be tempered with irritation right now, but it’s there. I suppose that’s what keeps me going.

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~ by Alex on June 19, 2012.

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