Surrender, kinky camp, and other things.

I just got back from a week at kinky camp and it was an enlightening week for vaguely unexpected reasons. Mr. Mister decided to be present at the most interesting times and hung out a lot during sex, which was alternately bizarre and hilarious. It’s easier to laugh about it versus being irritated. My poor boyfriend was practically haunted by Him for the entirety of the week and I feel kind of bad that space in his head was taken up by Him so much. He has a much better god phone than I do right now, so he has been getting the brunt of the communication. It’s not entirely fair, but, as I was divinely reminded, there is a price to date me so I guess that’s it.

I know our relationship did not get put together by chance—this wasn’t a case of two people just falling together because they have known each other for years. A couple of hands have been on this and it makes me bristle in the tiniest way because it’s a reminder that I don’t have a ton of autonomy. I mean, I could choose to end this relationship tomorrow but I know that’s not in my best interests and, more importantly, that’s not what I want. I suppose the bristling is indicative of a larger problem in my life.

It was brought to my attention that I am stuck because of my lack of ability to surrender and trust Him. This isn’t something new and it wasn’t a surprise to hear it, but more frustrating because I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to fix it and that’s part of the problem; I like to fix things and this really isn’t about fixing, it’s about giving in and giving up the need to fix. For me, fixing usually takes the form of wanting to change the parts of my life that appear unpalatable to me. I have to admit that my worldview is rather skewed by things in the not-so-distant past and that’s hard. I’m an incredibly stubborn Taurus and I don’t like to admit that things have and do hurt me. But I can’t fix it and instead can only accept it in the same way I need to accept His presence in my life.

Acceptance sometimes sucks and, in this case, it sucks because it means admitting my life is not solely mine to play with and will never be what I had previously thought it might be. I could not have ever dreamed this up and yet here I am. My struggles to trust and surrender are holding me back and this has been in the front of my brain since talking about it originally with Boyfriend. For me, it has to be a daily process. I have to keep it in the front of my brain and constantly repeat that I am surrendering to Him and to the process that both is happening and that awaits me when He deems me ready. Deep breaths in and out and thinking about how I can be more open is one of my first thoughts upon waking and my last thoughts before falling asleep.

I think I am embracing the fake it ’til you make it method of action. I don’t know how to trust any more than I already am and I have no idea how to actively surrender to Him, so I breath and move forward with the thought in my head and the mantra on my lips. It’s like walking a mental labyrinth where I have to be always mindful of each step while I circle towards a center that really isn’t a center at all and is instead just another turn to make. This is my Work for right now, among some other peripheral activities.

Lots more has come up in the past week and the to-do list grows. It looks like I will be tattooed in the next month and having one more permanent thing about this relationship with Him happen is a little scary, but it just reinforces my commitment to walk with and for Him. I have to have a ‘god radio’ installed and that responsibility has fallen to Boyfriend, which I have mixed feelings about since this was not part of the original agreement…or maybe it was and the negotiations took place over my head, which fits in the pattern of how everything has been going. I have to embrace a new sexual activity which makes me laugh because I saw that coming a mile away. I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea, but I had better get comfortable pretty quickly because it’s the trade to get what I want.

Something also happened at kinky camp that I’m chewing on. I may have inadvertently done something during sex that wasn’t necessarily hurtful [or I hope it won’t have any hurtful effects] but was very interesting nonetheless. I have no idea what it was or how I did it, but there it is. I suppose this is part of the learning process and I had better figure it out sooner rather than later.

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~ by Alex on June 26, 2012.

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