A Different Type of Devotion.

I’ve written before how Mr. Mister and I have a relationship where, at least for now, transactions are a part of how we do business. I do things, I get things, He asks for things, I ask for things. He gets what He wants, I usually get what I want. I don’t have the right to refuse Him and am obligated by my oath to do as bidden, but I get to ask for recompense where appropriate. I had to learn that it was okay to ask for things, even when it meant I didn’t always get them.

At the moment, He’s not big on tons of traditional devotional acts. I have an altar and I leave offerings, but I don’t spend a lot of time with it. He’s not a big offerings-on-altars kind of Guy. I don’t do poetry or sit in contemplation, except when I’m confused, and He’s just not interested in those things from me. They aren’t bad, they just aren’t meant for me.

Devotion to Him looks different, in some ways. I do things like smoke cigars and write this blog. I wear His ring daily. I respect His boundaries and rules and strive not to piss Him off. For me, these are every day things. I had to think about them a lot before I could type them out.

A new type of devotion has come to be acknowledged by me. He wants my sexuality. This was kind of a revelation to me despite it being told to me over and over by a variety of spirit-workers I’ve sought guidance from. I mean, what could I possibly offer a God sexually that He could want? This has kind of been the question for the past couple years as I’ve come to terms with the eventual direction this relationship will take.

In short, He wants my ass and I mean that literally. I mean it in the way that He has communicated quite clearly to Boyfriend that we are to engage in ‘anal training’ [His words, not mine] to prepare me for sex with Him. He has no interest in my other parts, just my ass.

This has been incredibly awkward for me and the ‘training’ hasn’t even started yet. I consider myself a fairly experienced person sexually. I’ve seen and done a lot of stuff, but I’ve never explored anal sex as part of my sexuality. It’s been made clear that this has not been by accident, which both amuses me and awes me. This whole thing makes me a bit nervous and edgy and I can’t ever remember feeling this way about a type of sex. I don’t even think I felt this way about the first time I had sex. Maybe because it’s a mandate from Him and because it involves Him? I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter.

What matters is that I do this and I don’t shy away from it. What matters is that I put aside the nerves and the edginess and embrace this with an open heart and, well, an open ass. I’ve already been told that things to do with my ass will be required for rituals. It’s been suggested that my ass may be a port for Him and Others to gain entrance to my body. I’ve already been window shopping for what will become ritual sex toys, for lack of a better term. I’m having to come to terms that my privacy around my sexuality is a thing of the past and that writing this blog entry is the start of adjusting to that.

That’s the spiritual, the rest is straight up sexual. He wants my ass because He is my Daddy and that is His right and due as such. He likes the taboo of anal play and anal sex and how that effects me. In fact, He just loves taboos in general. He thinks they’re hot. He likes the idea of having something that no one else has had. He likes the idea of me physically having to earn something. He likes the idea of fucking me like a boy. The list goes on..

He likes me dirty behind closed doors and this is one of many ways to achieve it. He knows exactly how to get to me and takes perverted joy in mashing all of those extremely hot buttons. Pushing the Daddy button is one way to get me to do just about anything and He fucking well knows it, the Bastard.

This is what devotion looks like for Him. Highly sexual, somewhat taboo, and, for me, deeply personal..but not anymore. My devotion does not get to be kept privately, or put away neatly in a drawer only to be pulled out when it’s convenient for me. I have to own it and wear it daily, whether it be about keeping this blog or going through a physical process to literally open me up for him. This is what He means by love and how that plays between us.

I’m not used to this sort of attention and it’s pushing all sorts of non-sexual buttons for me, but in a way that is ultimately positive. I’m lucky that I am getting this opportunity to provide myself in this way. I’m lucky that He has allowed me the opportunity to begin this ‘training’ with a partner instead of doing it on my own—I’m not sure it would go well with me left to my own devices. I feel lucky that He wants me in this way, as this sort of relationship has been something I’ve wanted since forever. As itchy as this makes me feel to write about it, I’m lucky that I get to, just in case it helps someone else besides me. I’m pretty blessed in general, I think.

As He tells me, this is only just the beginning.

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~ by Alex on July 8, 2012.

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