How it all began.

I’ve been reading a bunch of blogs about how individuals came to know their Gods and it’s been interesting. I’ve noticed some trends and I have found it interesting that almost none of them have applied to me. I’m not a special snowflake, though. It just seems that I’ve taken a completely different route to reach a similar part of the journey.

It started with a string. About five [six?] years ago, I was at a Beltane celebration that I’ve mentioned here before and took part in a group ritual where I touched a string that was spelled to accelerate your fate and place you on your correct path. At the time, I was unhappily agnostic and was convinced that any God who existed was not interested in me. I was pretty convinced the string wasn’t going to do anything for me because it wasn’t real, right? Right. So, I touched the string.

Well, it worked. When I returned to my life, I immediately lost my job. I went crazy for awhile. I lost everything that mattered to me and toed the line of being homeless. It was totally bananas and, almost instantly, I became a believer. In what, I wouldn’t have been able to articulate at the time, but I was suddenly willing to consider a whole lot as real that I had discounted before.

So I dealt with my life as it spiraled. I saw several shamans and they told me similar things. My god phone was on loud and I was suddenly hearing and experiencing vivid thoughts that weren’t my own. I had a series of dreams where I was visited by a variety of Deities. No Deity took me as theirs, though, and that bothered. I was exposed to a lot of spirit-workers and many, if not all, had a Patron/Matron of some sort and I felt like I was missing out.

I was whiny. I was self-aggrandizing. I said things that I shouldn’t have. I made a lot of mistakes. I was impatient with Them. Yet, the people around me put up with me and, more importantly to me, did not give up on me. In essence, I was being extremely selfish and felt sorry for myself more often than not.

So, Someone came along and said, fine, I’ll take you. They crept in the back door and started pushing buttons that no one else had pushed before. They found where I was weakest and exploited it. It took me awhile to figure out that it was Odin creeping around, but I did and it scared the living fuck out of me, as well it should. I went to several spirit-workers and it was hard to hear that the reason Odin was creeping about was totally on my whiny shoulders. I had been loud enough in my whining that He had answered.

He wanted my gifts and He wanted to use them. It likely would have broken me in uninteresting ways and made me way crazier than I was and am. Moreover, Someone had already laid a claim and if I had gone with Odin, it would have ruined a lot of plans. It would have disturbed my fate and I would have been a very different person than I am today.

The whole time I had this terrible sinking feeling in my belly. Despite my faults and flaws, I tend to trust my gut feeling. I’m usually pretty accurate and was then as well. For someone reason, I was worried. I felt extremely overwhelmed and, looking back on it, not in a way that was productive at all.

Odin tried His best to convince me that He was a good idea. I had sex with Him several times and it left me in tears, every single time, and not in a good way. It didn’t feel right and I couldn’t see a way to make it that way.

So, I said no to Odin, which was apparently a big deal. At least one person was very angry with me for saying no and essentially said that no one says no to Odin. That didn’t make sense to me, as I had the free will to do so. I don’t think Odin is bad for everyone, just bad for me.

Saying no didn’t end it. I saw Mani embodied not long afterward and He told me that I needed protection from ‘that One’, but that He couldn’t help me. I was dancing on the edge of a knife and I was scared to death because I absolutely wanted to do nothing Odin. People say Loki is the one to watch out for and, while I’m sure it’s true [I’ve never dealt with Loki], Odin seems way more diabolical to me. He was doing everything to make me say yes, including driving me crazy.

I went to a shaman I trust and basically asked for help. I was desperate and I knew I was in trouble. If something didn’t change radically, I was going to end up saying yes in a way that I didn’t realize I was saying yes at the time. The shaman knew I was in trouble, too, and didn’t hesitate to tell me exactly that.

After several long hours of divination on Who I was supposed to belong to, he and his partner came up with a name. It wasn’t Celtic, which is where my bloodline lies, it certainly wasn’t Norse [all the shaman’s runes landed face down when he tried to investigate whether it was or not]. The name belonged to a particular pantheon, but it was clear that the name was just a placeholder for something much bigger. When they said the name, it was like a load of cement dropped on my head. It was a fit. I’d found Mr. Mister.

The changes were almost immediate. My god phone was shut off and that was a huge gift, as it was driving me insane. Things got quiet and Odin disappeared, much to my relief. I almost immediately oathed my life and blood to Him. It wasn’t something that I spent months considering. I wasn’t given the time, as it was of the utmost importance that I be protected from the outside threat that would have taken me away from Him permanently.

I saw Him embodied for not even thirty seconds when I oathed Him. I wasn’t ready to see Him and He knew it. He remarked that it was a bit early yet and that I should study hard and learn fast [I was entering an apprenticeship the same day]. I know there have been some raised eyebrows over how quickly everything happened, but I don’t care. I’ve never been a person who takes a long time to make important decisions and, thankfully, that has never gotten me in serious trouble.

It wasn’t what He intended. I don’t know what it was that He originally had planned, but I know a hurried oathing process was not it. For awhile, that kind of set the tone for our relationship. Things would happen and He would sigh and note that this was not even what He intended. Once, after a particularly disturbing horsing experience, He apologized for things not going as He wanted.

It gives me a good feeling to realize that I was important enough to Him for Him to discard what He wanted and to make things up on the fly. When stuff is hard, I remind myself of this and embrace the beginning of our relationship as a sign that I am wanted and my existence is not by accident.

He never contacted me as a child or as a teenager. When I was that age, I was embroiled in a cult-like version of Christianity and probably would have thought He was some sort of evil being bent on corrupting me. Of course, as a budding queer who had bizarre-to-me-at-the-time sexual preferences, I didn’t need much corrupting..

And here I am now, with a relationship that continues to grow and change as He wishes. My desires have become aligned with His desires, with a few notable exceptions. I want what He wants because He knows better than me what I need versus what I think I desire a lot of the time. He has been careful with me and that’s because He values me as a whole piece of glass instead of being a shattered mirror.

He has changed the course of my life in a way that I can never repair, and I don’t want to. He lifted me out of an existence that was banal at best and destructive at worst. He has made me look at each and every issue I have and, if I can’t resolve them, at least approach them honestly. He has taken away my negative coping mechanism and allowed me the space to develop positive ways of dealing with the things that hurt. He’s turned me inside out and is in the process of refining me to be a useful tool.

So that’s that. Next post is inspired by the godspouse post I reblogged yesterday—what someone might want to consider before becoming involved with a God.


~ by Alex on July 12, 2012.

6 Responses to “How it all began.”

  1. This was really fascinating to read.
    I do, of course, wonder who your Patron is – I’m incurably curious… ^_^

    • He is who He is. The name He goes by in the pantheon He is known in is really not how I know’s like day and night, really. I also don’t talk about His other aspect because I would get a whole face full of ‘you’re doing it wrong’ as I don’t follow HIm how He is followed and that tradition and I am very much, as a transmasculine queer, not who His usual follower is in that tradition as well.

      A little mystery makes everything better. 😉

      • I have the same experience with one of my gods. Most heathens even deny that He *is* a god. They all see Him as a one-dimensional monster and the embodiment of destruction.
        In the aspect of Him I’m dealing with, He is gentle, loving and protective.

      • Well, we’re scared of what we don’t understand and scared of what is reflected back in us from others. People are silly sometimes.

  2. […] clients spread all over the United States and I made pretty good money, until I touched the string, which I’ve written about before, and then I wasn’t making any money at […]

  3. […] How It All Began by Rock of Eye. […]

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