Anger and Frustration

In the past, I have had serious, explosive anger issues. I’m grateful that, in the last few years, I’ve been able to transform my reaction to anger to something that isn’t as destructive. I no longer allow my anger to take over so completely that I am destructive and start taking emotional hostages around me. I used to be really good at being angry.

And then I started to internalize that anger is really a cover emotion for something deeper. A lot of my anger comes from being hurt, feeling vulnerable, feeling silenced, and being frustrated. This has been one of the most useful tools I’ve gained thus far and I’m usually able to step back and peel away the anger to see what lies beneath. It’s not always easy and I’m not always successful, but it usually works. I very rarely get truly angry anymore.

All that being said, I woke up damn early [for me] and was immediately angry. Like, blinked my eyes open and was instantly furious. I tried rolling over and going back to sleep, in hopes that I would wake up later feeling less like throttling someone. No dice. I was angry enough that sleep was out of the question. So, I got up and sent off an inquiry to Boyfriend about some stuff and stomped around my apartment until I felt more human.
What was I angry about? Well, first off, I was angry because I’m feeling extremely frustrated, hurt, and pushed into a corner that I can’t claw my way out of. To the point, I was absolutely bullshit with Mr. Mister.

He made a decision several years ago that I am paying for now. In an effort to save my sanity and gifts, He shut off my god radio. In specific, it’s my UPG that He broke my god radio to turn it off and this pisses the shit out of me. I am extremely grateful that the line of chatter stopped and I was give a chance to rest, but breaking it? Really? Surely there was a way to turn it off without breaking my head. After all, He’s extremely resourceful when He wants to be.

This is directly affecting my reality right now and I’m frustrated to the point of tears over this. I have very little contact with Him. Most of my communication with Him right now is coming through Boyfriend, who has amazing clarity with Him. When I talk to Him, I can tell that He’s trying to talk back but it’s like trying to talk through a fog. I can tell that He’s talking but the words are blocked/lost.

This leaves me at a loss. What am I supposed to do? I am supposed to have an emotionally [and eventually physically] intimate relationship with Him, but I can’t hear His voice at all? He manages to get through around some stuff, like ‘do this’ or ‘say this’, but that is mostly based in a gut-feeling sort of way—I have to judge and discern constantly if it’s Him, if it’s my crazy talking, or if I am simply making shit up. If this is as good as it’s going to get, I’m in trouble. I cannot see the type of relationship I am being led into without solid communication that does not involve clouds made of cement.

So I was dragged into a talk with Him this morning, as much as we can talk. It was frustrating. I had just gotten dressed when I found myself in front of His altar and I just started babbling out loud. I’d never talked to Him out loud before. It felt a little nuts, but whatever. I’m a little nuts. I said what I had to say with a bit of a raised voice and some tears and got ready to leave.

I was literally out the door when I got reeled back in with an ‘aw, fuck’. I thought that maybe I was in trouble, but no. I got a ‘light the damn candle and sit down’ feeling and, while I lit the candle, I did NOT want to sit down. The feeling only got stronger and I knew there was no way off the hook, so I sat down.

It was the most frustrating ‘conversation’ ever. I would verbally dump and then pause, waiting. I could physically feel Him trying to speak to me, but He couldn’t cut through the static. Insert gnashing of teeth and shaking of fists and an increase in volume, as if yelling at an altar will make the static go away.

He had me pull tarot cards, which is new as I have no idea how to read them. It came with this running commentary from me. ‘Tarot cards? Really? Alright, if you say so’. Four of pentacles. the Magician, Queen of pentacles. I had to peek at the book to figure out what they each meant and there were parts of the definition/explanation. Some interesting stuff stood out and there will be more thought/meditation on what was written there, as directed..or so the feeling says that it will be done. I’m getting really tired of feelings that I have to muddle through and would like some words and clarity to go along with that.

I felt much calmer post-talk and I’m grateful for that. I don’t like carrying anger and the associated emotions around with me. It feels like a poison that slowly eats away at everything good.

I feel like this comes off as super-whiny, but I suppose it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to. I realize I have more contact with Him than some people have with their Deities and I AM grateful for that. I am a greedy boy, though, who belongs to a greedy God, and I want all that He can offer me. I want the best communication that can happen and I don’t believe I am working with the best right now.

My head feels all funny after all of this. It feels kind of echo-y and empty, which kind of makes me laugh. I have an empty head.

Things will get better. I know they will. And, if for some reason they don’t, I keep plugging away until they do.

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~ by Alex on July 17, 2012.

3 Responses to “Anger and Frustration”

  1. Hi Alex – is there any way I could email you? I’ve got something say here, but would rather do it in private (submerina[@]gmail[dot]com) as it is a personal message-of-sorts for you.

  2. I can totally relate to this post. I have been shadow-working on my Anger since winter, and discovered the deeper root problem for me was also silence and not being heard. Definitely understand the broken god-phone thing too…..At the very least, take some consolation in knowing you’re not alone in this endeavor.

    It’s not whining–it’s being open. We’ll never solve or overcome our problems (especially anger) by not talking about it somewhere. You’re trying to fix the problem, not just complain. Anyway, much luck to you in this : )

  3. […] I’ve written before about my God-radio being broken on purpose and how angry that has made me. I’m slow to let go of anger, but writing it all out and having a no-holds-barred conversation with Mr. Mister helped. It was mostly me talking quite loudly at His altar, but it was the first time I’d actually felt Him trying to talk back. It was an intense pressure in my head that I couldn’t shake and there was lots of frustration on both sides that I could not hear, but that’s what you get with a broken radio. […]

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