Current stuff and discipline.

I have been struggling to write lately. I’ve been journaling extensively for my eyes only and absolutely nothing has come up that I feel like posting here. Mostly it has been relationship babble and processing stress, neither of which make good entries for a spiritually-oriented blog.

The truth is, I just have not been feeling it since I got back from Maryland. I’m in a bit of a depressive funk and that is worrisome, as I usually have trouble snapping out of those. It’s no surprise to me that I’m depressed. I have a super amount of stress right now—my home life is in an uproar with roommates moving in and out and being utterly uncommunicative in the process, school stuff which is coming to fruition [I got in somewhere] but is stressful in it’s own right, I’m sick, money is ridiculously tight to the point where I don’t know how all the bills are going to be paid, and Boyfriend is going through some stuff that I am feeling utterly helpless about. I find myself wanting to get spectacularly drunk.

This does not make for a happy me. This also leads to a spiritually bereft me.

It seems to me that a lot of people fall back on their faith when times get tough. I do the opposite. I shut it all off and exist in my dark little hole of depression and suck. That kind of leads into the topic I really want to talk about, happily..

One of the things Mr. Mister said when He was channeled during my tattoo was that I needed to begin a daily devotional practice. This doesn’t have to take the form of sitting in contemplation in front of an altar, thankfully, as my attention span struggles with such things. What’s important is that I find the DISCIPLINE to do that and, right now, all depression and crap aside, I am lacking in discipline.

I saw this great quote the other day–“Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.” I don’t know who that is attributed to, but it really speaks to my experience with being disciplined.

I am an instant gratification type of person. I choose what will give me the happy feelings NOW versus what will be good for me down the road. It’s a nasty lifestyle choice that I really need to work on, as Deity relationships are usually not about instant gratification. I’ve never just had anything dropped in my lap from Him right when I want it. Usually it takes time and/or work to get what I want or need.

Developing discipline will get me where I want to be and, moreover, will get me where He wants me to be and enable me to do the Work He has for me.

So why is it so fucking hard?

Part of it is that I am plain old lazy. Part of it is depression—for me, depression translates to a lack of motivation and He sure is not going to take on the responsibility of motivating me to do my Job. Part of it is also resistance, which I’ve written about before.

My resistance comes from a number of places and they all suck, frankly. I am resistant because I struggle with authority and being in a place where Someone has power over/power to. This is why I was unsuccessful in being a human’s boy and it’s getting in the way of being a good boy for Him [despite Him saying via a person outside of myself that I am a good boy, I struggle to believe it, which is another issue entirely.]. My inability to surrender is hobbling me and I don’t know how to overcome it.

I also think there is some fear to still be had. Despite getting a lot of information recently that outlines a lot of the coming Work and what my Job is, I’m still uncertain and fearful of what is going to happen to me if I do everything that’s asked of me. Not having the level of control that I’m used to is hard for me and this is a perfect exercise in letting go, which I think I am failing.

Another part of my resistance is that I’m incredibly shy and, in some ways, sheltered. He’s asking me for things that make me want to run and hide because they make me blush and squirm and not always in the happy way. Some of the things I’m barely comfortable doing on my own, nevermind with another human or a God. He thinks my shyness and inexperience is cute, but I also know cute only goes so damn far before He gets that serious air of ‘no more bullshit’ about Him.

And then there’s the other big reason—some of the stuff He’s asking for, like weight loss, is extremely triggering for me in a variety of ways. This is an excellent opportunity to get over it and put to bed some of the old issues, but that is way easier said than done.

I don’t know. I don’t know what the fix for these issues is, if there is one, except maybe just powering through and actually getting some things done. I’m sick of feeling this way and I want to be different, but I feel stuck. We’ll see what happens, I suppose.

In more titillating news, Mr. Mister wants me to buy these [link NSFW]. He likes that they will show off the tattoo and also allow access without me having to be completely naked in public, which is really hard for me for a number of reasons.

He also wants a collar, like this one [link NSFW]. It won’t be for all the time, but more for special events and/or rituals. Of course, I can’t just buy it, I have to go to a hardware store and get the chain for it cut and buy the lock. This amuses Him no end because it forces me to do this in a public way. He’s a perv like that.


~ by Alex on August 1, 2012.

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