This is not the post I intended to write—I have one brewing that I got whapped on the head about late last week that I’ve been struggling to find words for.

This post is about oaths. I had an interesting tiny piece of conversation with Boyfriend last night regarding his oath to his God. In overly simple terms, he oathed to not do something pretty specific and, to my understanding, believes that that oath is immutable. I disagreed with him and said basically that he could choose to walk away at any time.

I made my oaths to Mr. Mister in an extremely backwards manner that I do not recommend. I knew almost nothing about him except a name that He is sometimes known by, but that I was not allowed to use for/with Him. I knew that He wanted me…and that was about it. I oathed my life, the work of my hands, and whatever lasts of me when I have left this world to Him. I turned myself over to His desires and plan without a second thought. This could have been very bad for me. I’m still learning all the ramifications of that oath and I’m sure I will be for quite some time.

And yet, I believe that I could walk away. I was given a choice and while I can’t take back that choice, I can certainly refuse to do the work, directly disobey Him, defy His wishes, seek out the attentions of other Deities [which I don’t think I am allowed to do right now], and generally do everything within my power to break that oath.

I believe, after awhile, He would stop caring. I believe He would walk away and cast me aside as an endeavor failed. I believe He would be sad, but, after all, He is a business man and sometimes you just have to fold your hand instead of playing it. He’s put a lot of work into me, but I know that I am replaceable and He does not suffer willful disobedience lightly [I have never been willfully disobedient, but I have made my mistakes that have displeased Him and, as a result, I never want to see Him actively angry with me]. There would be consequences, sure. I would probably be broken beyond repair. I believe that everything I touched would turn to shit. I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. I would very likely be crazy in a way that left me unreachable.

But I have the choice.

Every time I open my eyes in the morning, I am faced with the choice of obedience or defiance. I choose whether to do the things necessary to follow my path or willfully defy that and walk elsewhere. I choose whether to be compliant to His wishes. I choose whether to hold Him as the most important thing in my life and as the top of my personal food chain. I choose to remain with Him or face the unknown darkness.

Some days, it’s not the easiest of choices. I don’t always want to choose because it’s a heavy responsibility, but no one can choose for me—it’s me alone. I think He likes that; that I consciously make the choice to remain in His service. There’s something deeply satisfying about it to Him and it satisfies Him even when I’m not totally living up to my devotional expectations or have let things slip a bit. That’s the part that feels good about the choice—that it makes Him happy and therefore, by extension, makes me happy.


~ by Alex on September 13, 2012.

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