A Thank You

This was the entry that I’ve been sitting on. I’ve tried to write other things, but they just wouldn’t come until I did this.

I’ve written extensively on a particular Job I had in the past. It was incredibly difficult and left a lot of hurt and excess baggage in it’s wake. What I haven’t written about is the dynamic between Who was in charge [at least for a little while] and myself, and the fallout of that.

For this particular Job, where I was charged with being the catalyst for someone to work through some of their personal demons, I worked for Sekhmet. The Job was not successful and, as I said, had some lasting personal effects that I’m still working through. That doesn’t preclude the fact that I learned a great deal, though, and that’s only a recent realization, thanks to a persistent pounding on my dense head.

I did not learn gracefully. I resisted the mirror held up for me to see my shortcomings and personal darkness. I made it all about someone else and not about me. I absolutely could not see the opportunities for growth and change provided to me. I suspect collusion between Her and Mr. Mister to use the Job as an opportunity, but I still failed to see the benefits of the Work.

Sekhmet had no real attachment to me as a person. I wasn’t Hers and the only reason I made it onto Her radar was because I was interacting with one of Her people. I was a convenient, if completely inexperienced, freelancer who came with absolutely no external baggage in terms of there being Someone to negotiate with or there being stated limits. I had the abilities, namely an overactive god phone, and the embodiment to push the buttons that needed pounding. I thought for a long time that She didn’t care about me and, while She had no investment in me, I think She cared, in Her own way. My work with Her was with Her as the Great Awakener, the eye-opener and the shatterer of illusions. Unfortunately, I can be incredibly dense at times.

When I started the Job, I was pretty broken in a lot of ways. I was towards the end of a destruction cycle that had left me jobless, edging homelessness, without the social circle I had become comfortable with, and pretty damn crazy. I had HUGE issues with co-dependence, body image, gender identity, self-esteem, and self-worth. In terms of spirit-work and general relationship to the Gods/Spirits, I was pretty useless. I was pretty useless to myself, too. I was hopeless, helpless, and almost completely blind to all of the above. It was pretty ugly.

As I said, I did not learn gracefully. In fact, short of learning where my inner strength was located, I don’t think I actually internalized or recognized any of Her lessons until I was out of the Job and getting on with the life that had essentially been on hold for three years. I can see now the opportunities She gave me and I let my own personal brand of bullshit get in the way.

Some of what I learned might seem basic, but it was missing from me. I learned how to say ‘no, this is unacceptable’. I learned how to reign in my co-dependence and focus on my own happiness, rather than the happiness of others. I learned self-differentiation. I learned the real meaning of patience, and continue to explore what that means. I learned how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of the reactions of others. I learned how to not be a doormat and to value my own needs, rather than shrugging them off in favor of someone else’s. These are important things and they’ve definitely changed me for the better.

And I never said thank you, not once. Not even when She ‘paid’ me in the form of offering me the option of having Her assistance when I deem things to be at their worst. I haven’t cashed in on that yet, but I never even considered to say thank you. Why? I was too wrapped up in my own anger, hurt, and feelings of internal betrayal. I was angry at Her for a long, long time. I can hold a grudge like I’m being paid to do so and boy did I.

Fortunately, my lack of manners did not earn me any negative consequences from Her. It has from Mr. Mister in the form of a serious head thwap in the form of ‘I’ve given you enough time, boy, and I shouldn’t have to tell you to go do this but I guess I have to. Now go.’. But, consequences should not be my motivator and, at this point, they’re really not. At this point in my life, my anger has disappeared and I feel like I am truly grateful for the work that She put into me without the expectation of reaping the rewards Herself.

This is my thank you to Her, in the best way I know how. I’ve been instructed to set-up a small shrine in Her honor, which will mark my ongoing gratitude to Her for lessons learned. I will also likely make a donation to an organization focused on maintaining wild populations of lions. I also have feeling that I am not done working with Her, but that’s not the focal point right now. The focal point is focusing my gratitude on doing the next right thing for Her in thanks for Her effort.

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~ by Alex on September 27, 2012.

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