How things are at the moment.

I’m tired, cranky, and I should be studying. I’ve been toying with this entry for two days and I’m haven’t been quite sure what to write for a number of reasons. I’ve debated writing it at all, as I feel a little bit silly…but I still need to be honest.

Right now, I’m falling prey to behavior that I’ve been told is a big problem from a Mr. Mister standpoint; I’m questioning extensively if what I’m experiencing right now is real or if it is my personal crazy acting up. This is a huge Thing for me, as I’m usually willing to explain away things or relegate to the crazy pile. I suppose what’s different this time around is that I’m aware I’m doing that and that it is not that easy to dismiss. It’s kind of gnawing at me.

So what is actually going on? I’m not entirely certain, but I’m having a lot of what I see as ‘symptoms’.

For the last month or so, I’ve been having incredibly lucid dreams almost every time I sleep. So lucid, in fact, that sometimes when I wake up, I’m convinced it actually happened. That’s been happening less lately, thankfully, and I’ve found myself realizing in the dream that it is a dream—I end up feeling like an observer watching movies starring me.

There are a few that stand out. There was a Sekhmet dream that I don’t remember tons of details from. There was a dream featuring who I believe were the Fates. The one I remember the most, because I told myself to remember it, was the one where I was Told to take a student and was presented with someone who I found absolutely maddening. I found that dream particularly disturbing because I am SO not ready or qualified to take on a student in pretty much any area. I know, in the dream, I was to teach certain things that I could probably get across coherently but I still don’t think it’s a good idea.

There is something undone with Sekhmet and I don’t think it’s the shrine. I laid the first coat of the base coat for the shrine on the half-crate that I picked up, which is good, but there is something tugging at me that I have a maybe name for but I’m scared of it because, again, I don’t think I’m qualified. I have a not-so-secret hope that this is just my brain spinning off in a direction that isn’t very useful at the moment. Whatever it is, I keep getting pulled at. For awhile, the tv was also set on the Sekhmet station—She was everywhere I looked. I will admit that I am very nervous about having Her involved in my life in pretty much any way.

I’m also concerned that, if my feelings turn out to be true, this is going to wreak a lot of havoc on my life in particular areas related to the last big Job I had. I’ve been specifically told, though, to not worry about that particular area, as it is not my concern. That’s a pretty tall order for me.

Mr. Mister is being incredibly tight-lipped, from what I can tell. He’s either not talking or not talking in a way I can hear and I figure either of those are as likely as the other. I’m very surprised that He has had nothing to say about the involvement of another Deity in my life when my time is so precious at the moment.

I have the distinct feeling that I’m kind of dangling right now and all it will take is one wrong kick and off I’ll fly. I think I’m being careful. I’m running a lot of self-checks, especially on my mental health. I’m not making any big decisions. I’m spending time with/for Mr. Mister. As far as I know, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.

I’m almost to the point of asking for some divination. Almost. Part of me is holding out for this settling on it’s own, which kind of fills me with laughter as I know better. Part of me is a little nervous that this is all a figment of my crazy and/or imagination but, for me, even if a large part of it is, there’s usually some kind of truth to be found in what I’m feeling. I don’t know. I don’t want to come off like a total loon. I suppose there’s a lesson in here somewhere.
More to come as I figure things out, I suppose.

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~ by Alex on October 10, 2012.

3 Responses to “How things are at the moment.”

  1. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. I know how it feels to be there. *hugs*

  2. If you want to talk to a Sekhmet kid, I’m here.

  3. I have found that when things are in a spiral, and I’m not sure what to do, or what’s real- I sit still. I relate it to a pond. Your mind is the pond, and the answer is at the bottom. When we run in circles and spin our wheels, we’re essentially throwing rocks at our pond- and disturbing the water so that we can’t see the answer on the bottom. So sometimes, sitting still and letting hte water settle is the best move.

    As always, if you need assistance, I am here.

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