Flexing muscles.

I intended to mash this together with the last entry, but it really didn’t go.

In an interesting twist, I’m actively being discouraged by Mr. Mister from seeking any divination on, well, anything. He’s not come right out and said, don’t do this. However, when I consider getting divination and even go so far as to contact a diviner, I end up with this slightly this-is-not-quite-right feeling. I’ve decided this means that I should not be seeking outside confirmation of interior feelings. I’m pretty pleased that I actually caught on rather quickly to this. Hooray for listening and being aware!

It’s no secret that I used to be heavily reliant on divination. I didn’t trust one thing about my own personal feelings, so I sought exterior validation for whatever it was. Not so good, at least for me. If a god radio is one part ‘muscle’ and one part installation of some sort, my muscle was atrophied and now I have to get it in shape. I have Boyfriend to thank for that particular metaphor. I think it really fits.

So what do I do with my atrophied muscle? Well, I work it out. I have to learn to trust what I believe I’m hearing. It all comes back to…

Faith. I’m getting that message loud and clear. It’s coming from all directions all the time and I haven’t missed it. I’m just not entirely sure what to do about it all the time, if I need to do anything at all.

I’ve been, once again, considering faith on a deeper level. I’ve been doing lot of thinking about faith as an action and how that applies to me in the right-now. I feel a lot of the time that it’s the same old song and dance for me. I keep pushing against the same wall. It’s the same question over and over—how do I deepen my faith? It frustrates me when I feel the wall because this is what I ultimately want, even when I buck against it, and what He wants. It frustrates me because it feels like failure, even though I know it’s not and that it is a process that isn’t completed overnight.

However, something has been feeling different lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve been meditating more and growing closer to Him that way. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally realized that the Work is internal right now [though there is the arguably external stuff right now, too].

It feels like, with the realization that the Work is internal, that a particular corner has been turned. I feel like I’m relying more on myself and trusting myself more than I ever have before. I don’t have a huge fear of being wrong anymore. If I’m wrong, I’m fucking wrong but so what? The world will not end if I am wrong about something or if I mishear…and I am definitely going to be wrong in the future. It’s kind of inevitable.

I feel like I’m finally starting to have the faith in myself that has been missing for so long, and that’s nice. I can’t believe what a struggle it’s been to begin to uncover where that lays and how much shit it was buried under. But, it’s there even if it’s only a tiny spark right now. It feels good.

Things seem to be changing rapidly and slowly at the same time. What a strange, interesting life I lead.


~ by Alex on October 21, 2012.

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