So, things are looking up in some ways. I am feeling loads better and not nearly as depressed as I have been for the past couple weeks. It was getting kind of scary there for awhile.

I had to have a come-to-Jesus talk with myself the other night to the tune of ‘listen, it can either get better or it can get a whole lot worse. Time to choose’. My life has too much good stuff going in it right now for me to proverbially fold the cards, so I chose not to let this eat me. I know not everyone gets that choice and I know I haven’t always had it in the past, but it seems like this time I did. I am grateful that my mental health is in such a place where I can lift myself out of what was shaping up to be a pretty destructive depression.

But, as always, there are reverberations. The pebble tossed into the pond has caused some ripples and I’m dealing with the consequences. I’m a little behind with my school work, particularly my paper-writing, but I can play catch-up with that really quick, I think. The worst of it, though, is Mr. Mister.

Today I felt palpable pain over the distance I created/forced between us. This sucks, a lot. Our relationship is complicated enough without me complicating it further and I am seeing first-hand how my mental health affects both the relationship and Him. I can’t decide where the pain is coming from—me, Him, or somewhere else entirely. It feels like it originates outside of me, but I’m not sure.

It makes me very sad that I have potentially hurt Him. I know I haven’t done anything wrong, per se—I haven’t been disobedient or broken a rule by accident or on purpose—but I have let Him down. I feel like this was a missed opportunity of sorts; that I could have made the choice not to push Him away, but I did anyways. He quite clearly doesn’t want me to do that.

That’s more of a struggle than it should be. When I get symptomatic, regardless of depression or mania, my first instinct is to push everyone away and go it alone so I don’t hurt anyone whom I care for, as I have a history of being interpersonally destructive. I don’t want anyone around me because I don’t want to take them down with me. I suffer best in silence, but that’s a destructive habit and it doesn’t help me. One of the benefits to my relationship with Boyfriend is that I have found it much easier to be emotionally honest lately. Now I just have to translate that to a relationship with a God. No sweat, right?

When I’m depressed, some issues I have with/about Him get exacerbated and it’s only when my head is clear that I can see that. I have trouble relating to Him and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that He is not a flesh-and-blood partner. I often fail to remember that He has feelings and isn’t this distant figure Who only cares for me as a thing. I forget about His more human qualities and often see Him as that distant figure. I end up baffled when people tell me that He loves me because I don’t feel it and I wonder if that’s because I am not open to it. I forget that this is a partnership of sorts, even though it’s not an equal partnership. I forget that He has feelings, too.

I feel like I am failing God Relationship 101.

I don’t have a lot of ideas of how to fix things other than to pick up where I left off with the things I am supposed to do and hope equilibrium is restored. It’s times like these when I desperately wish I could hear Him in a clearer manner. I feel like I can never tell where He stands and that I have to blindly feel in the damn dark to get anywhere. I guess this is where faith comes in. Fucking faith. Everything comes back to faith. Big sigh.

[I am writing this at a coffee shop and I just had a moment of feeling His presence so clearly that it made me shiver. Interesting.]


~ by Alex on November 8, 2012.

2 Responses to “Results.”

  1. I think it’s pretty natural to pull awsy from our gods when we’re in the midst of an emotionally-fueled time. I do it, too.

  2. Please remind me when you’re here next to lend you a book. It is called “Simply Sane” and it blew my mind. It deals directly with the link between mental illness and spirituality, but in ways and with ideas I had never thought about before. I think you might really benefit from reading it.

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