What do you fear?

That question came at me via a social networking site the other day and I’ve been chewing on it a lot. Fear is one of the things that utterly paralyzes me. It is totally a show-stopper for me and I hate that.

I think half my problem is that I seem to view fear as a weakness when it really isn’t; it’s just another tool to be used. I seem to think that, when I’m afraid, it’s some kind of personal failing. I end up not only frozen in place, but also beating myself up for something that is a naturally occurring sensation. It’s kind of silly, really, but I do it and I do it very well.

The biggest fear I carry is the fear of abandonment. I fear that people I love will leave me and, for me, that’s a very frightening idea. I worry that people will tire of me and push me away or decide that I am not worth the effort and leave. This obviously comes to a huge head in intimate relationships and my current relationships are no exception. Though he has given no signs to validate my fears [quite the opposite, actually], I worry that I will become a burden to Boyfriend and that he will decide to leave.

This extends to Mr. Mister as well, perhaps even more so. While I would be incredibly hurt and sad if Boyfriend decided to end our relationship, I would survive. If Mr. Mister decided to leave me at this point in time, I’m not sure I would want to live any more. I fear all the time that I am too much trouble/work/effort and that He’s going to eventually decide He made a mistake and wash His hands of me. That creates a kind of panicky desperation in me that, while motivating, can’t sustain a relationship, nor should it.

I found a new old fear last night; a fear that has been present in the past but that I thought I had put to bed awhile ago. I realized last night that, as an after effect of my recent mental health issue, I am scared to approach Mr. Mister. I can’t figure out why yet, as I don’t believe I’m in any trouble or that He’s upset with me, but there it is.

It sucks and hurts my heart. I want to say that I shouldn’t be afraid of Him, but I hate the word should. I don’t need to be afraid of Him. He’s not out to hurt me or uproot my life in malicious ways. I know He COULD do a whole lot to shake up my life, but I refuse to be scared of that. I know I’m strong enough and have enough of a support system to pull through whatever comes my way. But, it still sucks.

Last night, I didn’t want to sit in front of His altar because I was afraid, for some reason, of what He might say or how He might feel to me. I’m scared of interaction and I don’t know why. This bothers me a great deal, mostly because it detracts from our relationship and keeps me from Him and neither of those are good things. It upsets me that this has once again become an issue and that I have to fight with it. Again.

Just another roadblock. Just another something to overcome. In some ways, it feels like this is a massive tangle of a fight that I’m trying to sort my way through and none of it makes sense…and I am very tired of the fight. It feels like a fight that I didn’t even pick. The worst part is that it’s fighting myself, not an outside entity which I think would be so much easier.

Oh well. Time to chip away at this particular block and clear the way for the good stuff. I suppose that He wouldn’t have it any other way and, really, neither would I–it means so much more to work hard for my interactions with Him, even though I hate it a lot sometimes. I know that the payoff will eventually come, even though that doesn’t mean the Work is done–it just means that it’s time for maintenance and then more Work.

This blog has not been super cheery lately and I’m sorry for that. Sometimes the promise to be as transparent as possible sucks, but is ultimately fruitful and helpful. I’ll try something less reflective and whiny soon.

 

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~ by Alex on November 11, 2012.

2 Responses to “What do you fear?”

  1. I understand what you’re saying here more than you probably know 😛

  2. I feel that fear of abandonment too; for my it manifests particularly in the fear that people will be mad at me and leave me. I often have trouble with my boundaries because I want people to be happy and not mad at me.

    I think we all feel this to some degree.

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