I am having a terrible feeling connected to anything in particular right now and it sucks a lot. I know it’s partially the time of year, as I do not have a good go of it around the holidays, and it’s partially all the stress I’ve been under with school. Regardless of the reason, I am not enjoying it and I need to figure a way out of it.

I’m also feeling a terrible sense of inner pain and I’m not sure what that is all about, which worries me as I’m usually pretty good at identifying emotions and the like. It could be stuff surrounding the time of year. It could be the depression rearing it’s ugly head again. It could be the result of feeling separate from Mr. Mister. Regardless, it’s making me kind of miserable and I don’t like that. I really don’t have the time or energy to go through any inner suffering right now. I have too much going on to be in this kind of distressed.

I’m lucky[?] that I’ve been too busy to really engage with these feelings, as school is wrapping up for the semester and I’ve been buried with work. But, as all things must end, it’s close to the end of the semester and I am running out of distractions. Push is coming to shove again and I’ve got to deal with this bullshit. I really don’t want to, but I also don’t want to be indefinitely miserable, as it will inevitably begin to leak to other areas of my life. I will end up being a miserable person and I don’t want that, either.

I have some things to look forward to. I’m going to see Boyfriend in a day and will have a few schoolwork-free days to enjoy time with him, which is always wonderful. While I don’t have any big plans for my school break besides being down in MD for about a week for Boyfriend’s upcoming surgery, I’m looking forward to things like sleeping late and reading for pleasure. It’s clear, however, I’ve got some work to do on my break.

I’m also thinking about the coming year and what I want out of it, but not too much as another twelve months seems almost overwhelming at the moment. I’m planning some major diet and lifestyle changes, as I have to address my embodiment both because I want to and because Mr. Mister wants me to. This is possibly one of the harder things he has asked of me and I’m sure I’ll post about it sooner or later.


~ by Alex on November 28, 2012.

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