“You’re not failing, you’re flailing.”

I’ve been fairly contemplative lately and the above quote from Boyfriend kind of sums up the state of my spiritual life. I’m not failing, but I’m not exactly succeeding, either. I’m kind of splashing around without knowing what end is up and, while I don’t think I’m sending out distress signals, I know that flailing is awfully close to drowning, at least to me. I don’t like that much. I’ve been in the process of drowning before and I’m not interested in returning to that state of spiritual being.

Things are a little tough right now. My lack of a working God phone is becoming a bigger and bigger sticking point and issue between the myself and Mr. Mister [and anyone else who happens to hear Him..]. I am really, really struggling with feelings of intense loneliness and abandonment. I can’t hear Him except for the occasional whisper or feeling, which I am incredibly grateful for as it’s more than some get from their Gods, and forget detecting anything of what He feels for me. I find myself developing resentments towards Him because I feel like I am dealing with an unfeeling, uncaring hunk of cement. I don’t believe that is the truth of the matter, but that’s what it feels like more often than not.

I am very, very tired. It’s been six years since my feet were put on this particular path and it’s been almost four years since He broke my head enough that everything including His voice went away. I feel worn away and like there’s not a lot left of me currently. This could partly be because of school and general exhaustion, but it also feels like I’m dragging a huge amount of extra baggage around surrounding this God radio issue. I just want it not to be an issue any more, but I don’t know how to make it un-important to me. It’s infinitely hard to have had the ability to hear and then have it taken away. If I was more unsure of the situation and myself, I’d say I was being punished but I know that this is not true.

The laid-bare truth is that, every single fucking day, I feel a combination of loneliness and ravenous hunger for Him and neither of those things is being satisfied and I don’t know how to satisfy those things myself. That is exactly what makes me feel like a failure—that I can’t look past those things or self-soothe. I’m not at a breaking point yet, but I can see one on the horizon. Part of me wonders idly if He wants me broken—if that’s the point of all of this so far. I was pretty broken when He picked me up and He’s put a lot of years and effort into putting the pieces back together, or creating new pieces, for that to be the end goal of this particular exercise. I don’t know. I could get divination, but I know it wouldn’t help.

Boyfriend made an interesting point that I had never considered before—perhaps I am with the wrong deity. I suppose it’s a possibility, but I don’t believe that to be true. Maybe I am just too head over ass for Mr. Mister, but I can’t imagine myself with Anyone Else. I originally had seven different options, some of Whom I’ve never found out the names of, and then there was Odin..but I believe I made the correct choice. It’s never crossed my mind that I chose poorly or incorrectly. Even if I did, I’m not sure it would matter now—I’ve signed on the line in some fairly undoable ways.

I don’t like being honest in this way—it’s just reinforcing my feelings of failure—but I promised to be honest here, so there it is.

My visit with Boyfriend was excellent and I’m processing out some stuff from our big conversation, as well as some other stuff. Mr, Mister was His pervy self and hung out and watched us fuck, which Boyfriend was okay with. Sometimes I feel bad that His voyeurism seems to be part of the package of dating me, but Boyfriend seems to be alright with that provided that He does not get…participatory without warning or some kind of consent, which is totally fair and which I have tried to ascertain before anything happens.

Something interesting that happened was that I rediscovered my capacity for energy work, which I thought I didn’t have. Once upon a time, I was able to move energy and feel it and what it did but I thought that all went away. Boyfriend posits that it didn’t go away, but that I instead lost my confidence. He let me experiment on him a little bit and there it was. I was able to push out some love and some grounding energy. I have a very hard time feeling what I’m doing [par for the damn course of my life, it seems], but I have something to work with and improve upon. I really shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I can ground and center fairly well now, though that has taken lots of practice, and I’m glad that what I had before didn’t die.

I played around a bit last night and created an energy something with the goal of having it eat the anxiety I was feeling…and it worked! It was a nice reinforcement of something positive where everything else has felt rather negative, at least spiritually.

~ by Alex on December 4, 2012.

4 Responses to ““You’re not failing, you’re flailing.””

  1. I have no clue about your past, and I have no clue if my own experiences are similar, but I know what it’s like to suddenly be able to hear, and then have it feel like said deity decided to go on a sabbatical while your life was falling apart.
    Like you, I was angry. I felt like I was being asked to climb up a sheer cliff face in the rain.
    All I can say is- it eventually ends. A lot of my problem was the stress I was under, my own anger, and the lessons he was trying to teach me (self-sufficiency and other ‘mystery’ type BS). In some ways, I support the ‘need to break’ theory. Both of my gods have pushed me to breaking points- it’s part of the course for the Egyptian mythology- I don’t know about your pantheon specifically, though. So it’s entirely possible that you need to flat out break before things will get better. Or, you might just need to hit that low low point, and suddenly discover that extra reserve left within you before you rocket to the top of the hill.
    It’s always crappy when it happens, though. But sometimes I think we have to be pushed to our limits in order to ‘level up’. Either way, I hope something gives for you soon :3

    • I think I’ve moved past angry into exhausted, hopeful resignation. I keep hoping it’s going to change, but I have no reason to believe it will. We’ll see, I suppose. I know I’m supposed to be learning self-sufficiency in some ways, which I think I’ve at least got a good grasp of, at least in the important ways.

      The more I think about it, the more a breaking seems likely. I’m really hoping it’s not true, as I don’t need anything else to feel bad about nor do I really desire to fall apart again.Sigh. I guess if it’s what He wants, He’ll get it.


      • Sometimes, there is a good release in falling apart. At least in my experience. Once you come out of it, things become a lot clearer. Hopefully it gets better either way :3 Let whatever is supposed to happen happen- and fast! 😛

  2. I can definitely understand your frustration, for some part. I feel like I have never been able to “hear” properly at all, though. So I did not have a point in time (that I can remember?) where I could and then suddenly did not. Very simple feelings, and obsessive-compulsive urges to research, research, research and then try and put the information out there in a haze of “omg there’s this and this and it might mean that! and…” … but nothing… definitive? I’m not sure how to word it.

    I have, however, had them show up in my dreams. The most vivid being Papa Ghede giving me a gentle (and then not so gentle later) push away from the Lwa. Other than that, very little actual interaction with them.

    (Of course, I have had a lot of difficulty tracking my dreams lately as I’ve skirted away from Wepwawet and Anubis [even though I was given the signal to go for it by someone who did some divination for me], due to fear and avoidance [which is something I definitely need to work on]. If that wasn’t a noticeable flag for me …. )

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