Reboot.

Things are delicate over here in Alex-and-Mr.-Mister land, in a very good way.

Boyfriend and I had another one of those long, very enlightening conversations that served as a massive wake-up call for me, though I’m not quite sure that’s what Boyfriend intended. I have been journaling extensively on what was said and what I think about all of it and, while I am committed to being honest and as transparent as possible here on this blog, I’m not sure I’m ready to write about a lot of it.

As a result of said conversation, though, there’s been some significant-to-me changes and more progress in the last couple days than has been made in the last couple months.

For the first time in a long time, I feel good about where things lay with Mr. Mister. Have all the issues I’ve been detailing here melted away? No, but I feel differently about them. They are not as earth-shattering as they have felt previously and, while I still desire their favorable resolution a LOT, I have other things to occupy myself with right now.

I’ve had a massive shift in attitude and have been really exploring what gratitude means and how it has not applied to my broken spiritual practice. I got an unintentional slap to the face when I was told essentially that I conveniently forget, ignore, or otherwise discount the things He has done for me to show His care and love for me. That was more than a little hard to swallow, but I see it to be the truth. I feel bad for the slap in the face that it must be for Him, but I am determined to not let my feelings bog me down like I have been and to move forward instead of remaining stuck. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about exactly what He has done for me and I find myself truly astounded that He has worked so hard for me, which I have trouble believing I deserve based on my behavior.

But, I have to stop functioning that way and really have to cede that control—if He sees something wrong with my behavior, or thinks I am being a bad boy [the number one thing I beat myself up about], He will find a way to tell me. My lack of self-worth has become a serious hindrance and I need to treat it like it does not belong to me, as if it were a cancer that needs to be cut out.

Moreover, I need to cede control in general and stop trying to drive the damn car. I don’t need to drive the car and, frankly, I don’t get to if I am going to embrace this relationship for what it is. He is perfectly capable of guiding me where He wants me to go and, despite the potholes that we seem to have a propensity to hit, He has not done me wrong yet. He has given me every reason to trust Him and nothing to the contrary.

In that vein, I’ve been focusing in on what He’s done for me and have concentrated on keeping that in the front of my brain. I feel like I have to train myself to have faith right now, as I doubt so much, and, for me, that means constantly reminding myself that He is not the Deity I grew up with, that there is tangible evidence that He loves me and cares for me, and that I don’t have to doubt out of fear or lack of self-worth. I can give that to Him and not allow it to continue to poison me.

So, that’s nice and all, but what have I been doing about it?

First, I’ve been actively concentrating on opening my heart to Him. It’s lots of visualization and, when I do it, I can actually feel something different in my heart chakra. My focus has been on drawing the love He puts out inward into me so that I can feel it and hold onto it and carry it with me day to day. I already carry the piece of me that He put into my chest after removing a piece of my heart when I took my oath to Him, and I think that has made this a bit easier than I had anticipated it being.

I’ve been literally making lists of the things He has done for me, solely so I have them to reflect upon when things get hard as they are bound to. As I said above, I’m astounded with what He’s pulled off in the interest of my best interests and in making me happy.

I’ve grasped onto the concept of ‘act as if’ and am holding onto it firmly with both hands and my nails dug in so deep that it’s bleeding. It’s already carried me further than I thought it could and I can feel how it has led me to behave differently. If I believe it to be true, eventually it will prove itself to be true. If I believe my faith is unshakable, eventually my faith will be a mountain instead of an ant hill.

I’ve been meditating a lot before I go to sleep, mainly on my relationship to/with Him and how He feels about me. He is literally my last thought before I fall asleep and it’s kind of wonderful.

I’ve been approaching Him less with a sense of duty and more with a sense of wanting to improve our relationship and strengthen the bond between us and the bond He has with this world. It feels like such a huge relief not to be plagued with a sense of drudgery surrounding my daily work for Him.

It finally feels like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, HOW I am supposed to be doing it. My attitude has been lacking for awhile now and it feels like I am approaching where He wants me. I think both He and I are rather circumspect about these changes right now and I’m terrified things will slip back to how they were. I don’t want them to because I finally feel good about this, rather than resentful. I’ve finally gotten a taste of what it means to be joyful and I am rather nervous that it will go away. I, however, am stubborn enough and resolute enough that it doesn’t HAVE to go away—if I was able to keep up the feelings that I’d been manifesting for the past few months, surely I can keep this up.

Lots of gratitude today. I’m especially grateful that Boyfriend cares enough about what happens with me and to me that he is honest with me and can point out my faults in such a way that leaves me introspective rather than defensive.

And there it is and so it goes. I am blessed, lucky, and well-cared for. I have an amazing God and a wonderful boyfriend. My job feeds me, clothes me, and keeps me in my apartment. I even get to go to school. All of it is because He cares for me and nothing less. I am one lucky boy.

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~ by Alex on December 9, 2012.

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