Love and my broken head/heart.

I’ve been desperately trying to write a blog entry for the last couple days and I keep getting stuck. First, I tried to write a post I’ve been sitting on for awhile about masculinity and femininity and how they play into my spiritual life. Then, I tried writing something about service and that got stuck, too. I was almost resigned to not writing anything at all when it dawned on me that I have never written about love and how that plays into my relationship with Mr. Mister. Silly me, leaving out something so damn important to me.

I am terrified of love. It may seem kind of silly, but I have my reasons. Namely, love has always left me. Always. No human that I have loved has stuck around when things have gotten hard or when I have been difficult to love [because I am at times—I won’t pretend otherwise]. It’s to the point where I expect someone to up and disappear from my life when things are less than perfect. In fact, this is exactly an issue right now—Boyfriend and I have hit a bit of a rough patch and I am absolutely convinced that he no longer loves me and is simply putting up with me because it’s easier than dumping me. He tells me differently and I have been struggling to believe him because, sometimes, it’s easier to be afraid than not.

This comes into play with Mr. Mister, too. I love him deeply, more than I can write out in words, and this fills me with a fear greater than anything else because what if He, like all the people in my life, leaves me, too? I could survive another human partner leaving me but I’m not sure I could survive, or want to survive, Mr. Mister abandoning me. I can’t imagine anything more crushing than knowing my God had decided I was not worth it and had decided to let me go.

Part of it, but not all of it, is that I have a shitty track record with human relationships. The last relationship I was in was incredibly emotionally abusive and it did a number on me. I’m still unpacking that baggage and it ended almost three years ago. I think I’ve come to expect that being treated less than honorably by someone who purports to love you is par for the course. And yet, both Mr. Mister and Boyfriend go out of their way to prove that wrong and my head still can’t get it.

When I realized I was in love with Mr. Mister [and with Boyfriend, too], I had a serious ‘oh, shit, here we go’ moment. I was convinced He couldn’t REALLY love me and that, once He saw how ugly I am on the inside, how crazy I can be, how broken I am, He would turn His back on me and deem me too much work. That has always been my biggest fear with any partner, corporeal or otherwise. Despite my fears, that hasn’t happened thus far with Mr. Mister and Boyfriend is sticking around for now, too [I sincerely hope I am cursing neither of these relationships by saying that].

Mr. Mister [and also Boyfriend, too—almost everything I say goes for both] has put a lot of effort into showing me how He loves me, to the point where other people tell me He loves me. I don’t know what to do with that, honestly. I don’t feel like I’ve ever had anyone ever love me with as few strings attached as Mr. Mister [or Boyfriend]. Sure, He expects that I’ll do my Job and be as obedient as a stubborn Alex can be and then some, but He doesn’t ask for a lot in return. He just loves me and that’s overwhelming enough that I have considered walking away as much as I would be able to because I just don’t know how to process that…and the same goes for human relationships.

That’s what I’ve been so damn fearful over—dealing with love is just not my strong suit—and that fear is an all-consuming, hungry fear. It seeks to destroy everything I love in return. It’s a hefty question—give into fear and run away or stand firm and see what love brings me.

Mr. Mister tells me that I don’t know how to be loved without a whole lot of extra unhealthy bullshit. It makes me laugh, but there is truth there, I suppose, and I have no idea how to change that or what can be done. I think that’s what I’ve been running from for the last couple years. I get this hilarious mental image of Him coming after me in one of His suits going ‘goddamnit, SIT DOWN, boy, and stop running from Me’. As amusing as that may be, I also worry that it is true and that I don’t know how to sit down without self-destructing. Without going into tons of details, this kind of applies across the board in my life right now and I’m currently standing at the top of the precipice with some serious decisions to make. Either I fly or I fall and it is in my lap entirely and I have to decide what to do with it.

I wish this were easier. I wish I had some answers. I wish my head and my heart could straighten themselves out without any more pain. In the mean time, though, until they do, I will do my best to leave my heart and my head open to possibilities and to the idea that there are least two beings, right now, that love me an awful lot.

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~ by Alex on January 7, 2013.

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