Choice.

I have a history of not making choices or making the worst choice possible. Instead of making positive choices or making a choice at all, I have a tendency to just let life happen to me. This is not healthy, as it’s a symptom of me being unable to take responsibility for myself and my actions as well as displaying a healthy dose of entitlement. In my past, it’s been bad enough that I’ve even refused to see that I’ve had a choice in whatever the situation might be. It’s trapped me in relationships, job, living situations, and any number of less-than-thrilling circumstances. Not good for me and not good for anything that belongs to Mr. Mister. He is patient, but He has very little tolerance for foisting off responsibility onto something or someone else.

Interestingly, I learned that I had a choice in pretty much everything in a situation where I truly believed I had no choice. I was totally convinced I was stuck in the awful contract with Sekhmet with absolutely no recourse, but that wasn’t exactly true. I think Mr. Mister could have made a good case to have me released from the contract even though it predated Him, but I’m pretty sure He chose not to so that I could learn something, albeit the hard way. I was told by a diviner that I had the power to negotiate with Her and it was a lightbulb moment. I honestly didn’t realize that I had any agency in the situation and as soon as I learned I did, boy did I use it. I chose to lay down the edict that absolutely no more Work would be done until I saw some recompense. I set the bar pretty damn high [among other things, I asked for a raise and promotion at work, which was a pretty impossible thing to deliver on at the time] and two weeks later, the Job was over and the contract was dead in the water. Mr. Mister was pleased that the contract was done because that freed me up for His use, but I think He was more pleased that intentionally negotiated myself right out of it.

Choice has been a recurring theme with Him, too. I’ve recently come to the realization that, when I don’t make a choice or don’t do something, nothing happens. This seems rather silly in hindsight, but it’s only made sense to me recently and I know He’s been waiting for me to get it already, won’t you? This translates to action being required at all times with no option to just rest on my laurels and hope that things will change of their own volition. That will, as evidenced by my past, get me absolutely nowhere and especially so with Mr. Mister.

In essence, He wants me to view everything I do as a conscious choice. No coincidences or ‘it just happened’ here. I have to have made a choice either way, yes or no, right or wrong. I think He would much rather have me make the wrong choice than make no choice at all. I’ve been saying for awhile that my oath to Him is an every-day choice—that every time I open my eyes, I choose whether or not I will accept His direction and live my life in a way that shows I am at least attempting to live in line with His wishes for me.

I’ve had some push back from folks who view their oaths as taking away their choice to do/not do whatever, but I see it differently. If it wasn’t a choice, I think it would mean less. I can’t speak for other Deities, but I know Mr. Mister is not really into me being bound to Him solely because I feel like there is no other option. True, I made a pretty binding commitment but I can still, should I take leave of my sanity, give Him the finger and walk. There would be repercussions to be sure but it’s still my choice whether or not to live up to commitment.

All of that said, I’ve been busy making choices and seeing the results already. As I posted about before, I made the decision to include thirty minutes of contemplation/meditation daily. I’m already seeing results after only four days. I now have a new shopping list of things He wants from me, which makes me sigh because money is really tight right now. This just means I need to be more mindful of my spending so I can afford all the things that He desires.

The contemplation time has been surprisingly emotional, which surprises me. For two days in a row, it has brought me to tears as I face a bit of emotional pain that I didn’t know was there or that held such sway over me. I’ve had some trouble parsing what it means, but it’s just another opportunity to make another choice; deal with the feelings and possible issue or stuff it and ignore the problem. Maybe I’ll write more about that later.

Another choice I’ve made recently is in regards to how and what I eat. I’ve decided to go the gluten-free route again, as it has presented me with positive changes in the past. It’s only been about a week, with a few slips, and I already feel different. Eating gluten already makes me feel icky, so I’m keeping that in mind when the brain starts telling me it wants foods that are definitely not gluten-free. I’m also viewing my diet change and choice as a devotional activity, which changes the game a bit for me. Mr. Mister wants me to be healthy and happy with my body and I haven’t been either of those things, so, at least for now, I can off how I treat my body to Him in hopes that He will find this new change and choice acceptable. He is, of course, not obligated to accept that offering but that’s a whole other blog entry. So far, so good, though. I’ve already noticed changes in my energy and sleep patterns and a bit of a change on the scale, too, which is nice.

So far, my choices are manifesting nicely for me. I won’t pretend that it will always be this way, though. I fully expect to make choices that are poorly thought out or are just plain bad for me. It’s my hope that I can keep my ears, head, and heart open enough to hear what He has to say and follow along with that as closely as I am able.

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~ by Alex on January 14, 2013.

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