“Self-sacrifice will neither be honored nor accepted.”

I know I need to write a blog post about this, but I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m at the end of a very frayed rope. At least, I feel that way for the moment. I know me and I know that, in a few days or a few weeks or however long it takes, this will blow over and I will return to feeling like myself, albeit another refined [I hope] version of myself that bears more knowledge and a little more wisdom than I do right now.

This is not a terribly happy or educational blog post, be warned.

As it stands at the moment, I am monumentally frustrated. Like, crying snotty tears and wanting to throw shit at the walls frustrated. I’m not angry or resentful. If anything, I’m sad. Sad and frustrated about sums it up.

I received some divination this week after hemming and hawing over a particular issue for somewhere around six months. It turns out that I misread the message I was getting and was likely getting caught in something from the past and I couldn’t be happier about that part right now. A ‘yes, you’re on the right track’ would have increased my Work by a whole helluva lot right now and I don’t really want or need that. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy, thanks.

What has me so damn out of it is information that was delivered as sort of an adjunct to the main question. Essentially, as it turns out, I am a) doing some shit wrong—perhaps more shit that I realize at the moment, and b) I am still mired in a whole lot of other bullshit that I thought I had made my way out of, at least partially.

To start with, service apparently is A Problem. I’m not supposed to be in any service position right now because it causes me to detach and dissociate instead of staying present in my emotions. I don’t have any reason to believe that the diviner is wrong on this and I’m pretty shaken up about this outcome. I haven’t written much about it here, but service has been a huge part of my life for the past thirteen years and to be told in no uncertain terms that it is hurting me and that I can’t engage in that way because of that is devastating. I can’t fix the problem easily, if at all, and I can’t think of much else to do about it than cry. It makes me very, very sad that I am broken in this way and that I don’t get to have that comfort zone.

It was also made clear that I give up way too much in the name of others, hence the quote that is the title. He doesn’t want me to continually sacrifice myself for the perceived greater good of others and says that I still consider how I can please others above how I can please myself. I don’t stay present in the ‘messier emotions’ and personal issues that are apparently to be my focus right now. I honestly thought I had made progress on this stuff, but apparently not. This also leaves me feeling inexorably sad and broken. I have literally spent years working on this stuff and I feel like I’ve suddenly been knocked back to the beginning and told to start the fuck over because I’m not getting the damn point.

He was apparently ‘mysterious’ about our relationship dynamic in the future and, if I had hair to pull out, it would be gone. I want to yell at Him. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I have invested a great deal in what I have believed our relationship dynamic is. I have fought incredibly hard to trust Him and believe in what has been communicated to me. I have allowed a vulnerability that I have never, ever allowed a human and it feels like the rug is slowly, or not so slowly, being jerked out from under my feet. This is perhaps what upsets me the most.

Of course, there were promises. I am getting used to hearing promises and then seeing them fade. This time, it was that the future will bring a close relationship and “real teaching”. I have been told some version of that for several years now and I’m beginning to feel strung along. I was promised a whole lot of stuff when Odin came knocking and it’s beginning to feel similar, even though the two situations are different. I know Mr. Mister values action more than words, but that doesn’t seem to go both ways. Maybe I am a little angry. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t trust Him and I don’t like that, as I’ve worked really hard to cultivate trust towards Him and really believe that He has my best interests in mind. I don’t disbelieve it now, but I will admit that there may be a few cracks in the foundation. I am trying not to let this turn into a major faithquake.

I had a little breakdown last night in the wee hours that alternated between laughing and crying. When I was crying, it was over my absolute frustration and sadness. When I was laughing in that terrible way that you laugh when there is nothing left to laugh about, I had a realization.

I don’t know what the fuck I am doing.

It makes laugh in kind of a manic way, but I don’t have a clue right now. I thought I had a little bit of a clue. I thought I knew what was going on when I got the tattoo and when I finally gave in and stopped fighting Him and His wishes, but, if anything, this divination has shown that I am wrong wrong wrong. In fact, I feel so wrong that I don’t know what, if anything, I am doing right. Am I barking up the wrong trees with devotional practices? Am I misreading messages? Have I been unintentionally misled? Is this one big joke on Alex? Does He enjoy seeing me absolutely at a loss? Maybe this is some sort of grand test on whether Alex will crack and give up or continue to attempt to cultivate trust. Whatever it is, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What it boils down to is that He is taking away all my unhealthy coping mechanisms and is flaying open my insides so that I have to muck around in the shit. I will admit to disliking Him a little bit for this. It’s painful, and I was told awhile ago in the last divination I had before this one that, when He started the process of digging His claws into me [He was illustrated as a dragon in that reading], it would hurt like hell. I have no idea what He’s up to [see ‘I don’t know what the fuck I am doing’] but it sure hurts way deep down inside, so much so that I feel like, if I were to vomit, I would be vomiting up feelings instead of bile.

So, what to do? I desperately want to have a massive temper tantrum but that won’t help anything. I could tell Him to go fuck Himself and His agenda, which I will admit sounds rather tantalizing in my angrier moments. I could whine and complain about just how fucking unfair this all is, but I know that I chose this and chose to live a difficult life. Or, I can just keep on keepin’ on. Out of all of my choices, that seems to be the best option. I can keep doing the devotional practices even though I am worried that they too are broken or wrong. I can keep functioning even though all I want to do is go hide in my bed for a week or two. I can cling to the trust I’ve been able to find for Him thus far and do my best to believe that He is not actively trying to fuck me over.
This pretty much sucks and I won’t even pretend that I like it or am enjoying it or that I am finding some higher purpose in this. In some ways, this is a reminder why I didn’t get divination for so long—there is some shit that I just don’t want to know. I’m not even sharing the hardest part of the divination, either, because that’s just too much right now. I don’t know. I feel like I’m dealing with this all alone. I know that if I give things time it will pass but, boy, does it feel like the end of the goddamn world right now.

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~ by Alex on February 7, 2013.

4 Responses to ““Self-sacrifice will neither be honored nor accepted.””

  1. I can relate to part of this — about being told things that don’t pan out, feeling frustrated and scared, and having to deal with baggage you’d thought you’d cleared away already. i went through something similar a few years ago, and it was terribly hard and prolonged and painful. There were many times that I wanted to just say “screw this and screw You” and chuck it all to go live a life of mundanity as a stockbroker or something. I stuck it out, though, despite everything. It was worth it in the end. I feel as if it was necessary for me to experience that, though at the time I didn’t think so.

    Unfortunately, when we have to go through spiritual rocky patches, everyone’s alone, in the sense that it depends on you to find a way through it all. But if nothing else, know that I’m listening even when I don’t have much to say in replies or comments, and that I believe you can push through whatever difficulties you’re in.

  2. I think I’ve been in a similar situation. I went through similar problems during my “pit” phase. In the middle of my time there, I thought Set had completely forgotten about me. He had seemed to help me get somewhere stable, only to throw it all away by having me live at my mother’s… etc.
    I, too, had to give up my practice. For a year and a half, maybe two years. One day, he was like “You, you need to go look over there. Get out of here”. And any of the neterju that I went to go see, the would tell me to leave. It was like all of the doors were shut in my face. I felt utterly alone.

    In another…. tradition I follow (FlameKeeping) everyone has an outer and inner flame. The outer flame is what we show people. But it’s our inner flame that is most indicative of who we are. And it’s often the flame we ignore the most. We often get so busy doing things, feeding our outer flame by helping others, getting caught up in stuff that it going on- our inner flame dies down, sometimes to a tiny flicker. In order to really re-establish ourselves, and to learn what we truly need- sometimes we really need to stop doing everything for a while. Turn off all the distracting lights as it were- to look inside so we can see the tiny lick of flame flickering int he dark. Only then will we be able to actually rekindle the flame and restore balance.

    I have no clue if that’s helpful, but it’s what it reminds me of. I went “dark” for over a year while I fixed Pit stuff. I felt horribly alone. I did throw temper tantrums. Threw stuff at the walls. Cried incessantly. Screamed. Railed. Got so angry- to the point that he told me to GTFO and come back when I wasn’t acting like a child. I couldn’t believe he’d do that to me.

    But eventually, it was worth it. The cost was high- but it was worth it. Maybe your situation is similar? If you ever want to talk, lemme know :3 (and I’m sorry if this makes no sense. My meds are making me all wonky tonight XD )

  3. Coming up on a year since His collar, and I still feel that I hardly know what I’m doing. It’s frustrating sometimes and confusing a lot. There are times when I forget, fall into old habits, and feel like the worst slave and lover ever. There are days where I just want simplicity – to do what I did when I was ignoring the hints and brushing aside the Clue by Fours, to tune out and say “Fuck it.”

    But, while the road has been pell-mell and not easy, He has yet to lead me wrong. I don’t always understand what He has in store. I don’t always like what He has ahead of me, and am actively terrified of some of the things He has planned. But He has never lead me wrong.

    It sucks, I know it does. It sucks worse when you can’t hear and have to guess. But YOU CAN. It will take patience and faith in yourself, and patience and faith in Mr. Mister, all of which are never easy but will ultimately – even if it takes a long time – be worth it.

    If you need, know that you can always ping me. *hugs*

  4. I’ll just say that in writing this blog post, you seem to be doing exactly what They want you to be doing: facing your own uncertainties and emotions. Even if you tumbled into it, snotty and full of rage.

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