Brave New World

In my vision, He reaches into my chest and rips my heart out. He holds it in His hand, bloody and visceral and still beating, and squeezes until I cry out and beg for mercy. There is no mercy for me in this moment, though, and I see that reflected in the eyes which contain the depth of a storm untasted and firmly leashed. He does this not to see me suffer, but because it must be done. He is not heartless, but, in this moment, His love and care for me are terrible. He is terrible; a beautiful, terrifying God Who sees beyond the bounds of my reality and He is waiting.

The past two weeks have been dizzying. My return from sex/kink camp apparently heralded the beginning of a new reality and, from where I sit, it was entirely unexpected. I believe that all the Work I did there and the clients that I gained were a bit of a yardstick that He held against me. Was I ready? Could I do it? Could I advocate for myself and for a change that would let part of a Job be more successful in the long run? I realize today that Him sitting down and watching me during the culmination ritual was not just Him hanging out, but it was about observing me doing what He had instructed. I now believe He left not because He was bored, but because He had seen what He had come to see, for good or for ill.

I arrived home bone-tired, but feeling good. I was in a good place. I believed I had done as good a job as I was able and that felt REALLY good. I felt stable and like I was on good ground spiritually.

Well, really and truly, fuck that. I should know better than to get comfortable in my life. I should know better than to take anything for granted. Most of the time, I do alright with that. I remember that quite a bit in my life is a direct result of Mr. Mister’s influence on my day-to-day [my day job, my current housing stability, the random things that occasionally fall out of the sky for me] or that fall under His view and that I am currently allowed with, if not His blessing, His permission.

My return to Massachusetts heralded a nose dive for my health. I was having a particular set of symptoms before I left, but when I returned, they were magnified times ten and new things were cropping up on a literal daily basis—I would go to bed and wake up with something else wrong. I’ve seen my doctor and they’ve tossed around a lot of possibilities and sucked out a lot of blood and referred me for some tests, and we will see what happens. I have a deep suspicion, reinforced by some divination I received recently, that things may not be what they appear.

In the middle of dealing with the new stress of having to deal with my health after a lifetime of being vaguely, I got blasted with something that I had not been expecting in the least, or at least not at this time nor in the time frame that I’ve been given. I’m forbidden to share the most important details with pretty much anyone else save for the diviners who have read for me on this and one person who is graciously serving as my sounding board, but what I can say is that I have been presented with a choice that, when made, will lead to a particular event happening. It’s a choice that looks fairly innocuous on the surface, but the repercussions of choosing either of the two options are far-reaching and a bit daunting to look at.

Since this was communicated to me exactly three weeks before the event is to take place, I have been busier than I have ever been previously. Within twenty-four hours of the message being received by me, I was sitting with the first diviner who would confirm that this choice had to be made and gave me what details they could about what this would bring about both immediately and in the future. I’ve had more divination performed for me in the last four days than I have in the last two years.

With all of that in mind, unless something radically changes in the next two weeks and change, the choice has been made. There are only two people who are allowed to know prior to a specific date [the date that I will inform the person facilitating this event of my choice] and I can’t even write or say anything that would betray my choice, especially to the person facilitating. I can’t discuss this with them at all beyond logistical considerations, if any, that come up that involve them, and they are held by the same rule. I have no idea if they know what I know about the choice and the resulting possible events, but my suspicion is that they don’t, and I don’t find that very fair. I am not the shot-caller on this in totality, though. I have a voice, but it only speaks for me in this instance.

The hardest part has been the not telling, particularly since Boyfriend is on the do-not-tell list. There are reasons for this and they make good sense, but it’s still crappy. There are things that I want to tell him that are important for him to know, but, even though him knowing could be potentially helpful, it has to wait until the ordeal is over. It reinforces the message that the only thing I may carry into this is myself, as that will be the only thing I will carry out of this event. I am not alone, though. Both Mr. Mister and Boyfriend and my friends and colleagues have not and likely will not leave me as a result of this.

I’ve about hit my limit as to what I’m allowed to say, but I will say this. The event that will be a result of my choice will take place exactly one year and one day after I got the large tattoo on my ass for Him. What a ‘coincidence’, huh?

Somewhat related to this has been a sudden Mr. Mister-directed change in diet with some interesting and fairly unwieldy food taboos. This didn’t completely come out of nowhere, as I was aware that I would have to eat a special diet leading up to the event and possibly fast the day of, but apparently I misunderstood. This is a permanent or at least permanent-for-the-forseeable-future change that I was entirely unprepared for.

I got up yesterday with the plan to go food shopping for what I would need to begin said diet with the understanding that it was temporary but once I got into the grocery store, it was like a damn circus in my head. I cannot remember the last time when I have felt His presence so clearly. It was surreal. I would go to grab something and I would very clearly get the feeling of ‘absolutely not’. I could not even look at some things and felt physically uncomfortable going down particular aisles. There was one moment when I stopped dead and looked at something that I have bought frequently in the past. I got a quite clear ‘no’, but I vacillated. I know that I always retain my choice and I was close to choosing to buy it anyways. What stopped me was the absolute displeasure I felt from Him and the ominous feeling that there would be severe consequences if I chose to deliberately disobey Him. As I have no desire to experience what He deems as severe consequences, I chose not to buy said item.

Thus far, the incomplete list of what I am not allowed to have now includes cow milk [though I may have other cow dairy products], most animal protein, soy in any form except milk [though, in hindsight, that may have been a mistake and I may be headed back to the store], simple carbs, anything with a high amount of added sugar or sweeteners, cured meats, anything that is too processed which means most pre-packaged foods and snacks, and…carrots. I literally could not approach carrots. I don’t know why, but given that I like carrots and they are not bad for me, I am a bit mystified. The most processed things I was able to buy were a box of Triscuits that I think I am going to have give away anyways, and organic ice cream which I had to lobby heavily to get.

I think if He thought it was reasonable, I’d be eating all organic, non-GMO, local food but there is no way my income can support that. As it is, I totally blew my food budget for the entire month buying things I can actually eat, as pretty much all cheap convenience foods are out. I’m also going to become one of those people that, when I go out to eat with friends or whatever, is going to have to modify anything that they order and come off as extremely high maintenance. Not pleased about that in particular.

I was also the under the impression that I would be allowed to finish off whatever food I had in my house that did not fall under the diet in an attempt to not flush money down the toilet. Seems reasonable, yeah? Nope. I have a friend hopefully coming next week to take away all the things from my freezer, fridge, and pantry that are no longer acceptable. This is not an insignificant amount of stuff. I may be irritated by the social restrictions of said diet, but this makes me feel hopeless. I am not a person who makes a lot of money and to see perfectly edible food walking out the door is disheartening. I am, however, happy that there is someone who will take it, as throwing it all out would be really unpalatable.

And He’s not fucking around with there being consequences. I get very physically uncomfortable at the thought of eating things that I am not supposed to. I have no idea what would happen if I did eat those things, but I am not eager to find out. There may be an exception for hospitality-related food [like if someone cooks for me] after the event, but definitely not before. I also know that He’s not going to be a complete asshole about it, as I made an honest mistake today—I had a chai with cow milk in it while I was running errands. I didn’t even think about it until I had finished it and was in the car headed home. Thus far, I have not been yelled at nor have I gotten sick, so I am hoping that if I fuck up via an accident versus will, I will not be smacked. I could see this as being a period of adjustment, though, and He is being lenient for that reason. I also know that I can’t take advantage of that in the least or I will absolutely get smacked.

In addition to all of that, I am having appetite issues. Prior to this, I was having trouble feeling hungry but I wanted to eat and forced myself to eat. Now, I am not feeling like I want to eat at all, even when I’m getting the physical signs of hunger, and, when I do, I am tired of it very quickly. I know that doesn’t sounds much different, but it feels different. I don’t have much time or energy to put towards this feeling, but I am a bit worried about these rapid changes in how I look at and relate to food. I have a history of disordered eating and I know that’s not what He intends to do here, but I know that the line is not too far away.

Amusingly enough, I do not have some of the other common taboos that other spirit-workers I know have. I can smoke cigars and drink alcohol, provided I do not do so in excess and that I behave myself. Of course, whiskey and cigars are two of His favorite things, so I am not terribly surprised. I’m very grateful He has not yet insisted I drink whiskey with any regularity, as I do not enjoy it in the least.

So, there have been some changes to say the least. I can already feel the separation between what will be and what was and, though I can’t say anything specific for now, I am not displeased about this. In fact, my life is shaping up to be pretty good. I have a God who loves me, a Boyfriend who loves me, and a rather tight group of friends and colleagues. It’s not too bad.

There’s some prep that I have to do for the event that will result from the choice that I’ve made, but it’s nothing that is too ridiculous, at least in my estimation. The most unwieldy part that I can share that does not give away anything is that, regardless of what choice I make, He wants His altar there. Being that this is not taking place at my home or somewhere close by, it means packing carefully. Who needs clothes, really? I am, however, grateful that, in comparison to some altars I’ve seen in the homes and sacred spaces of my colleagues, His is fairly simple and straight forward.

In some ways, I feel like I’m walking to the gallows, but not to die. I know that, with my heart in His hands, it will be an uncovering and a resurrection of sorts and that I will walk out molded even more closely to His picture for me. It might be slow, it might be quick, but, above all, it will be. What should frighten me compels me and I find myself looking forward, in a perverse manner, to what will happen. Though His patience has a depth that I cannot begin to guess at, He is intent that His will be carried out in one way or another. He is not content to just wait. He is coming for me.

~ by Alex on July 6, 2013.

3 Responses to “Brave New World”

  1. Casually leaving this here, because it kind of struck me as odd… I recently had/I have some weird health problems, mostly fatigue, headaches, nausea, vomiting, and dizziness. On a hunch from a doctor we found I have mono, which, despite much brain coming be myself and my relatives, I really couldn’t have gotten from anyone. Just throwing that out there since it seems kind of weird that I’m having them around the same time. Well it is whatever. I hope you find out what it is soon! And good luck for groceries, and with what’s going on with you and the Mister Mister, whom my goddess (similarly unknown…) says hello to. Anyway, rambled more than I thought, so again, Good luck!

    • Epstein Barr is one of the things the docs are looking at as a cause for some of this. We’ll see what happens!

      Thank you for your kind words and greetings.

  2. Hey. Thanks for your comment about the nature of Ordeals. That was a big help. 🙂
    I’m afraid I don’t have anything near as helpful with regards to your new dietary situation, but I want to ask: How are you at cooking from scratch and modifying recipes, and is that something that will help manage the costs of your new restrictions?

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