Tipping the Apple Cart

I sat down to write a blog post on the mechanics of choice just before I had an important call with someone who was going to do a little more divination for me at my request. I had some mediocre things to say and I wasn’t really pleased with where it was going, so I minimized the window and opened up a new document in Google Drive [best spirit-work tool EVER] so I could take notes on what the diviner had to say.

I wrote yesterday that I should know better than to get comfortable and that I should not take anything for granted. I didn’t take my own goddamn advice and it got thrown back in my face in a glorious way. He isn’t angry or put out or anything, but more He is His pragmatic Self and, if it ain’t working, I’m going to find out one way or another. This time, it happened to be the quick, relatively painless way…and I am glad for that.

I find myself sitting with new, unexpected change and it doesn’t feel bad. I’ve spent the evening after my session with the diviner in pretty serious contemplation, with a side of private journal writing and lots of gratitude. Given the rollercoaster that this week has been, that’s both a bit of a surprise and a relief.

Lots of what was said was intensely private, but there were two very joyous moments for me.

If you’re new to my blog, I’ve written extensively in the past about the fact that my ability to hear my God was purposefully shut off for a variety of reasons. This was a lesson in many things and I’ve learned quite a bit from only hearing in occasional whispers and vague feelings every once in awhile. There is no pain quite like having heard the voice of your God or the Gods in general, and then having it taken away. It has been an almost constant struggle not to feel like I am being punished, despite logically knowing that this is not the case at all.

For at least the last year, and maybe longer, the over-arching message has been that I need to cultivate my reliance on my own intuition instead of relying on outside parties. That sounds pretty easy, but I’ve found it difficult. The best way I can describe it is like suddenly being blindfolded and given ear plugs and then shoved out into the middle of Manhattan in New York City with the expectation that you will successfully navigate yourself to the Lower East Side. Were you able to see and hear, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. However, with no sight and no hearing, it’s daunting at best. You feel around and bump into people and trip over cracks in the sidewalk and sometimes you crawl on your hands and knees because that’s the only way to move forward. If you’re lucky, you won’t get hit by a car speeding down Fifth Avenue.

I don’t think I’m very good at navigating my own personal New York City, but I can say that I have been trying quite hard to learn the cracks in the sidewalk and it has certainly paid off lately. I’ve fumbled around with my inner feelings enough to be confident that I can tell the difference between something that feels right and something that feels off. I might not be able to tell more than that, or know what to do with it, but I can go to folks who have a clearer line than I do and ask for help, provided I have actually used my own intuition and am not giving up.

With that being said, after almost four years of waiting and struggling and scratching in the dirt, I finally figured out the questions to ask to hear what I both need and want. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to ask these questions before. Perhaps I expected to have answers just randomly drop from the sky, which is fairly likely. I literally cannot remember it ever crossing my mind to ask either of these questions.

The first question I asked was how, if I am unable to ascertain on my own right now, could I be sure He was listening when I was talking to Him or that I was speaking in a way that He could hear? In response, I now have a specific practice I can use to tell if He is on the line or not, or if I need to leave a message on His divine voice mail. This is HUGE for me. I don’t have tons of experience or knowledge around how Gods hear us, so I have no idea if He can just tell what’s in my head or if He ‘reads’ what I write to Him or what, but this gives me an actual way that I can physically tell whether He is present or not. He won’t always be present, as I am far from the center of the universe, and He likely won’t show up if I am searching for handholding, but it’s something I can tangibly do and have a tangible result in front of me. It sounds sappy, but I cried. It has been so long since I’ve been absolutely positive that He has heard me and, while it is very unlikely that there will be any conversation between the two of us [the head is still broken, after all], at least I will be able to tell when He is present and is interested in hearing me and when He is not.

The second question and it’s follow-up was a stroke of brilliance on my part, if I do say so myself. It’s tied into the first question but it was really born from my experiences this week. It would have been infinitely easier to be able to communicate with Him directly rather than bothering just about every diviner I know with my questions and concerns. However, as noted above, the head has an out-of-order sign on it. It works in fits and starts and, with a good smack, it’ll function for a short time. However, I can’t usually get it up and chugging on my own—it takes outside help, which is kind of exactly what I am trying to avoid. The Mister has stated prior that He is interested in having my head fixed in the future, so I asked if the future was now. The answer was, unsurprisingly, no. I then had the wherewithal to ask if there was anything I could do to assist or speed up the process….and there is! The reason He’s unwilling to fix my head is so basic and practical that it makes me laugh, and I did laugh for quite awhile. It’s rather simple, really, and it’s totally something I can do on my own. I just have to do it.

For the past week or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been trapped in the deepest darkness, with no light to be seen. I managed to keep it together and get going on what needed to be done to support what was happening in my world, but it felt pretty damn bleak. However, while I am most assuredly not out of the woods yet and I am facing parts of the forest that have yet to be explored, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t felt like there was a light in a very long time, and I didn’t realize how dark it had become until something bright appeared on the horizon.

The light, as someone very wise said earlier this evening, means movement and I have been standing still for quite awhile, to the point where I was growing roots. I noted that I do best when there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and said wise person noted that this is what makes me valuable to Them. I’m chewing on that because I don’t quite know what it means, but there it is.

There is a lot ahead of me, more than I can spell out right now. It is not going to be easy. In fact, it is going to be the opposite of easy. It is likely going to be some of the hardest stuff I have ever done. I doubt I will do it gracefully or with much gratitude in my heart in the moment, but I will do it because He deserves it and, perhaps even more importantly, I deserve it. I will come out the other end all snotty-faced and present myself to Him completely filthy and disheveled, and it will be enough.

I remembered something tonight that I was told years ago, when I was going through a particularly dark time in every possible area of my life. I was told that my suffering is not in vain and that is not meaningless. I will freely admit that I have lost sight of that. When things get hard, it is easiest for me to assume that it means nothing to anyone and that I am simply dangling on a string alone in the wilds of my life. I was reminded tonight that the truth could not be farther away. I might not always feel Him, but He is always there in the deepest parts of the darkness, whispering ‘trust Me’. I think I’m just beginning to taste what that feels like, and it tastes like hope and happiness.

~ by Alex on July 8, 2013.

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