Holding on tight.

I keep reminding myself that I am blessed beyond my understanding and that, for quite some time, this is exactly what I asked for. I begged for things to do so that I didn’t have to stand still. I banged my head against the same wall over and over and over until both it and I had sizable dents in our respective parts. It appears that things have finally hit their stride and I have a bit of a predictable existence, at least for know. It is also a stark reminder to be careful what you wish for.

It’s not that I am not enjoying my current existence right now. To the contrary, I am perhaps enjoying it a little too much. I like having things to do. I like having a purpose. I like having projects to fill my time rather than staring at a blank to-do list and wondering how I’m going to spend the hours between waking up and going to work. After several years of sitting still by divine decree, I’ve gotten picked up and kicked into the deep end and I have realized that I know how to do some approximation of swimming. It’s not terribly pretty or graceful swimming, but it keeps the water out of my mouth and I’m doing laps. Feels pretty good.

What I’m having trouble with is the absolute swallowing of all my time and the growing list of tasks that keep getting thrown my way.

I am used to having a lot of free time. I am used to having the ability to pick and choose what I do and when I do it. I am used to being able to push things off and say ‘eh, I’ll do it later’. That is absolutely GONE like a wanted man rides a galloping horse out of a tiny town. It is all over and it is a whole new governance in the land of Alex. That is what is really tripping me up. I’m not used to this much oversight, but I guess it’s time to get used to it, like yesterday.

In truth, I like it. I like knowing that what I do/don’t do have consequences even if I don’t feel them or see them right away. I like control, both having it and being under it. I thrive when the rules and parameters are clearly stated in a way that I can comprehend and internalize. I don’t even need to know why it’s a rule. I just need to know what it is in clear language. I don’t mind having a bit of a short leash, provided I get to go off it now and then [and, currently, I do].

However, I am not used to being run this hard. Lately, just about every waking moment is spent pursuing something of a spiritual nature. When I get home from work, I get maybe broken-up hour of decompression before I go to sleep. I screw around on my phone until I’m either interrupted by something or I fall asleep. Lately, I’ve been waking up in the mid-afternoon and immediately having three or four things pop into my head that need to be done. I lobbied for more sleep today, since I’ve been really exhausted, and I got it, happily.

It’s just kind of surreal. I can push back and put things off, but it’s uncomfortable and I absolutely know that if I do this too often [and I am not the judge of too often], I am going to pay an unpleasant price. I’ve spent the last day or so doing things that are on the to-do list, but it is it’s own sort of procrastination because they are not the time-sensitive things that need to be done. This week has to be different or else I might slip on the knife I’m dancing on and cut myself. There will be no divine stitches to be had if I do, either, as it will be all my fault.

So, I’m trying to refine my time management. I’m looking for ways to be better organized. Once I finish what I have to do with the apartment, I’ll be in much better shape overall. If my health and energy levels would fall in line with that in mind, it would be grand.

There’s still no answers in terms of my health. I saw the rheumatologist last week and she poked me and prodded me and sent me for more blood work and some x-rays. She thinks it’s something inflammatory based on my symptoms and, based on how I practically screamed when she started pushing on my lower back, she’s favoring some inflammatory spine condition. I’m to continue to take what my PCP prescribed me, even though it doesn’t stop me from waking up in pain, and see her again in a couple weeks.

The diet is limping along. It was way easier in the beginning than it is now. I’ve only consciously eaten something that I knew I shouldn’t and I suffered for that in an immediate fashion, so I’m not screwing around. I’m eating things that are on the approved list but I’m eating in an unbalanced way—not enough veggies and fruits, which needs to be remedied before it’s remedied for me.

Divination has suddenly become a thing for me. I’ve never really done any divining in the past, but it’s suddenly shown up as a thing I need to deal with now, which makes sense given current pursuits. A tarot deck started talking to me the other day, which was utterly bizarre. I own a few decks, but I’ve never really worked well with them because my brain has trouble holding on to what card means what and what suit means what and it’s all too much. Except this deck makes it crystal friggin’ clear. I had picked it up and was thumbing through them because I was going to give the deck away and I wanted to make sure all the cards were there. For every card I looked at, I had a meaning. Needless to say, it got tucked back in the drawer it came out of and didn’t get given away, but I need to pull it out and figure out what I’m going to do with it and what, if anything it wants.

Another set of divination tools arrived in the mail the other day and I need to deal with them, too. I need to wake them up and introduce myself and give them a home in a small pouch that I have so that they can stay with me for awhile.

A significant amount of this paycheck is going to go towards stocking up on some things for the business venture, as I’ve had some requests for oils and salves and I want to build what I can so I can go beyond advertising for services and offer stock and custom products. It’s a pretty exciting venture, I have to say.

In that vein, I’ll be at EtinMoot this weekend and I’ll have Loki oil available as well as some possible other products. I’ll be available for some services as well, including personal cleansing in a variety of ways, heating up or cooling of the head, some simple divination, counseling, and other as-needed things. All services will be available gratis for the length of the event. I will definitely be there on Friday and Saturday and Sunday is a maybe.

Things are a bit overwhelming, but in a positive way. I have lots more things to write about in the very near future, though, and I hope to carve out more time for that soon.


~ by Alex on August 12, 2013.

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